Lesson 120 ~The I Don't Knows of First~

It’s like my first time all over again but we both know the truth about that don’t we; anyway I guess congratulations are in order, I got a job working at Kohl’s and it’s as if this is the first time I have ever done anything for myself or to myself. I must admit it feels different not being second or last, don’t get me wrong I’m still a loser but it’s scary finally having to chart my own course through life.

Luna I have dreamed of having some sort of power over my existence but how do they say, with great power comes great responsibility; that’s what it is being the “Hero” instead of the villain… how I want to be the villain. Another way of looking at it is that I just got a few more bosses, at least theses bosses are paying me in something other than the want for my own self destruction; hell they gave me my life back. Sure I’m still hurting, I’m not who I think I should be but it all comes back to The Abomination; if I was able to eek out an existence with such a thing then Kohl’s is a paradise.

Which way is up, I was just thinking that, on one hand I was going to say I was always looking up at who was first, on the other I look down and I still see me; maybe I’m just looking straight ahead now. Something else we both know the truth about but I lie and say I’m “Still Unbroken” if anything I’m not dead yet and I’m finally standing on my feet. Why should I be afraid to do this Luna… you know what happens when the oppressed go to raise their heads and yet I fear the mere act of doing so?

So what have I learned today… that going somewhere means leaving elsewhere and it sucks, it’s scary, but I’m hoping where we’re going is better that where we’ve been; my “Blaze of Glory” will just have to wait. My final thought, I want more but when I finally make it wherever, what will I see when I’m finally not the one who’s down, The I Don’t Knows of First.

LATE

The I Don't Knows of First

Where do we go… from here?
What do I mean we?
There’s only me
Who I want to be
And the fear
You sneer
The sky’s the limit
But I’ve never been in it
To win is a sin
Do I want to be here?

Or there
Having to look up
Not being so tough
Trying, not hard enough
Was I scared?
Too often told, “Beware”
One plus one is two
Me and you
But I have to lose
Would you still care?

If I wasn’t number one
This face
Another race
What a waste
Because when it’s done
Maybe better if I hadn’t run
In the end
As it always has been
The end
Does it matter if I’m not number one?

Such is my thirst
My fear of loving you, my curse
The I don’t knows of first

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.