Peru Is the New Prague

Remember when every hipster and their brother was heading off to Prague (in what was then called) Czechoslavakia? Ah yes, the town of the ORIGINAL Budweiser, the Parisian West Bank Artistes Colony of the newly opened Iron Curtain. Well, I have news for you: Peru is the new hipster destination of choice. Whether in South America or Indiana, anywhere there is a Peru is a happening hotspot and all things Peruvian have got it going on.

Just in this past year, I have heard more about this country previously only known for Lima Beans and Machu Picchu then I have in my entire life! Here's a sampling of some recent Peruvian buzz on the pop cultural radar:

1. Two co-workers went to Peru on their vacations, and a third co-worker was seriously looking into it, and at least half a dozen customers at work talked to me about their plans to go or how much they enjoyed their trips there. Peru? One of the poorest countries on Earth? When did this become a hot ticket getaway, I thought at the time.

2. The 2004 Copa America was hosted by Peru. (Peru were champions in 1939 and 1975, and the Peruvians are currently experiencing the resurgence of soccer greatness in their country. In fact, Nortberto Solano plays for Newcastle United in England and Claudio Pizarro plays striker for FC Bayern Munich in Germany.)

3. Peru on screen. In 2002 John Malkovich directed The Dancer Upstairs, a political thriller with a romantic undercurrent based on Nicolas Shakespeare's eponymous novel that veers around the "sendero luminoso" (Shining Path) Maoist insurgency in Peru. But The Dancer Upstairs was actually filmed in Ecuador. For actual made-in-Peru films, check out Alberto Duras' Alias la Gringa, based on the life of the real-life Peruvian criminal escape artist (yes, he dressed as a woman, hence the la gringa) and his experiences on an island prison similar to Alcatrez called "El Fronton," site of an infamous 1986 terrorist riot. And don't forget parts of Walter Salles' 2004 arthouse hit The Motorcycle Diaries were shot in Iquitos and Machu Picchu, Peru. Finally, on an expatriate's recommendation, I purchased my first Peruvian DVD last year, the sex comedy Pantaleon y las Visitadoras (2000), which was shot in the Peruvian Amazon. Though lambasted by the critics, it had the potential to be a Fitzcarraldo con boobies.

4. Peru, Indiana is the Circus Capital of the World, at one time host to as many seven circus troupes at a time. Since 1958, there has been an annual Circus Festival there, where parents can threaten to send misbehaving children to try out for a life under the Big Top. The 1971 film "Circus Town U.S.A." documents this unsual festival in the otherwise ignominious town of Peru, Indiana, population 12,994 (this town is in Miami County, near the town of Mexico, Indiana - how do they come up with these exotic locale names in Indiana?).

5. My workmate Michael Rios (pictured at right) is half-Peruvian. I had never met a Peruvian before him. Coincidence? I think not! Also, in the past year, the most beautiful woman who has ever entered my library turned out to be a Peruvian artist. Also, the most beautiful woman ever to bus tables at my local coffee shop turned out to be...yes, Peruvian!

6. And speaking of beauties, Miss World 2004 was none other than Miss Peru herself, then 20-year-old Maria Julia Mantilla-Garcia (pictured at right). And what about Peruvian supermodel Giulianna Ramirez? The 23-year-old sexpot, seen in ads for Tommy Hilfiger and L'Oreal Matrix, was featured in Stuff magazine's December 2005 list of the Top 10 Latin American models. But this beauty was not above mixing with beasts when she ate spiders, swam in a pool of snakes, and got immersed in a pile of worms while a contestant on Fear Factor.

Other Peruvian trivial pursuits:

7. German filmmaker Werner Herzogshot 1982's Fitzcarraldo in Peru.

8. My former co-worker Steve Intelkofer is planning a huge cookout party (with music supplied by Plans Plans?) in Machu Picchu, Peru, when he is becomes rich and famous for his "Patent Ownership of An Obscure Media Technology I Haven't Ever Clearly Understood" in the near future.

9. Peru's ancient Inca civilization practiced the lost art of "trepanation," or boring holes in one's skull for enlightenment.

10. Cole Porter was born in Peru - Peru, Indiana, that is! And he's buried there in Mt. Hope cemetary.

11. The asteroid 32570 Peruindiana, discovered August 20, 2001 is named for Peru. (Again, that's Peru, Indiana!)

12. Peruvian resturants are popping up everywhere in Baltimore lately. There's the new chicken joint, Polla a la Brassa in Fells Point. And Sala Grill has restaurants around the Catonsville and Woodlawn areas. Near College Park, there's Machu Picchu. And in addition to its Mexican chow, Baltimore's Los Amigos restaurant (with Harford Road and Towson locations) has added Peruvian dishes like Lomo Saltado.

Momento Mori - Le Roi Est Mort:
And finally, legendary local guitar hero Mark Harp, who was known as The King of Peru, passed away in December 2004. (Harp's title was, unfortunately, not recognized by Peruvian authorities.)

Celebrity Rockers

Juliette Lewis and the Licks are coming to the Ottobar tomorrow night and this fact got me trying to come up with a list of celebrity actor rockers. This is what I have so far - if you can think of any more Method Rockers, please add a comment!

MOONLIGHTING MOVIE STARS

1. Juliette Lewis and the Licks
2. The Bacon Brothers (Kevin Band Mechael Bacon)
3. Gina Gershon (Girls Against Boys)
4. Dogstar and Becky (with Rebecca Lord from MTV's Real World) (Keanu Reeves ensembles)
5. Wicked Wisdom (Jada Pinkette Smith)
6. 30 Oddfoot or Grunts (Russell Crowe)
7. Bruce Willis & The Accelerators
8. Ear2000 (David Arquette)
9. Phantom Planet (Jason Schwartzman)
10. Jack Wagner (Frisco Jones on General Hospital)
11. Rick Springfield (Dr. Noah Drake on General Hospital)
12. 30 seconds To Mars (Jared Leto) - Thanks Caprice!
13. Aleka's Attic (River Phoenix, R.I.P.); the band recorded a song for the PETA album Tame Yourself - Thanks again Caprice!
14. Lieutenant Dan Band (Gary Sinise)
15. Dennis Quaid and the Sharks
16. The Kids (Johnny Depp) - hear Johnny play lead guitar on Time Is the Key!
17. Milla Jovovich (see millaj.com)
18. Kevin Costner & Amy Grant (sing a duet at end of The Postman)

This just in...You're right, Scott! How could I forget Corey Feldman, whose lyrics put Dylan, Costello, Lennon and Cobain to shame and whose brilliant musical notations make Beethoven himself green with envy? And he also co-wrote a song with #11, Rick Springfield, on his Former Child Actor CD. So without further ado:

19. Corey Feldman

Further Actor Turned Rocker References:

Will Juliette Break Movie Star Rockers Curse? (Netscape Celebrity)
Rocked With Gina Gershon (DVD Verdict)

MOONLIGHTING ROCK STARS

OK, but what about the flip side of the coin? Or record, in this case. What about rockers turned actors? Blender magazine put together a list of the 25 worst rock star actors of all-time, reprinted here from AmIAnnoying.com (a great website that allows users to vote on celebrities based on their annoyance factors; with more than sixteen thousand profiles of public figures, it lays the claim as the largest on-going celebrity polling site on the Internet).

The 25 Worst Rock Star Actors of All-Time:
1. Madonna
2. Bob Dylan
3. Mariah Carey
4. Jon Bon Jovi
5. Elvis Presley
6. Britney Spears
7. Vanilla Ice
8. Neil Diamond
9. Gene Simmons
10. Master P
11. Peter Frampton
12. Ringo Starr
13. Michael Hutchence
14. James Taylor
15. Roger Daltry
16. Beanie Siegel
17. Mick Jagger (sorry Marnie!)
18. Ja Rule
19. The Spice Girls
20. Run DMC
21. Ozzy Osbourne
22. Prince
23. Flea
24. Sting
25. Dr. Dre

What, no Arch Hall, Jr.?

Moonlighting Rockers Who Can Actually Act Or At Least Don't Totally Embarass Themselves:
1. Mandy Moore (she's great in Saved!)
2. Marjo Gortner ("World's Youngest Ordained Minister" as a 4-year-old before singing in bands and later to be the subject of the documentary Marjo and star of Earthquake, among countless others pics)
3. Johnny Hallyday (the French Elvis - The Jimi Hendrix Experience played their very first gig as support for the French heartthrob at the Paris Olympia in October 1966; he starred in L'Homme du Train and numerous other French films)
4. John Doe
5. John Taylor of Duran Duran (Sugartown)
6. Susanna Hoffs (the former Bangle's Citizen Kane was 1987's The All-Nighter)
7. David Bowie (doesn't necessarily embarass himself)
8. Tom Waits
9. John Lurie
10. Mark Wahlberg
11. Gwen Steffani (The Aviator)
12. Cher
13. Jennifer Lopez
14. Lyle Lovett
15. Chris Isaac
16. Johnny Cash
17. Adam Faith
18. Cliff Richard
19. Paul Jones (Manfre Mann's star of cult classic Privilege)
20. Jane Birkin
21. Levon Helm (Coal Miner's Daughter)

Fade To Black: Hip Hop Musicians Gone Hollywood:
Geeze - there's just too many! Thanks to Abby Cooley for the assist!

1. Will Smith
2. Ice Cube
3. Ice-T
4. Usher
5. 50 Cent
6. Xhibit
7. LL Cool J
8. Snoop Dogg
9. Ludacris
10. Sisqo
11. Missy Eliott
12. Queen Latifah
13. Tupaq
14. Method Man (Method Acting? He's a natural!)
15. Eve
16. Nas
17. T-Boz
18. Aaliyah
19. Lil' Kim
20. Marcus Houston (B2K)
21. Bow Wow
22. Mos Def
23. DMX
24. Tyrese
25. Puffy/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy ("legitimate" Broadway theatre!)

See also Entertainment Weekly's 10 Best Rapper-Actors list, reprinted below with EW's noteworthy performance nods.

EW's 10 Best Rapper-Actors:

1. 50 cent (Get Rich Or Die Tryin', 2005)
2. Ice Cube (Boyz N the Hood, 1991)
3. Will Smith (Six Degrees of Separartion, 1993)
4. Tupac Shakur (Gridlock'd, 1997)
5. Queen Latifah (Living Out Loud, 1998)
6. LL Cool J (Deep Blue Sea, 1999)
7. Diddy (Monster Ball, 2001)
8. Eminem (8 Mile, 2002)
9. DMX (Never Die Alone, 2004)
10. Mos Def (The Woodsman, 2004)

Of course, I don't agree with EW's list, but there it is for scholarly debate among all you rap cineaste bitches.

Gay Haiku

Gay Haiku is the self-descriptive title of a funny poetry book I saw the other day at the library. It's by Joel Derfner, whose bio claims that he is attempting to become "the gayest person ever" by taking up both knitting and a gig as an aerobics instructor. Coupled with his verse, he's well on his way.





My fave gay haikooze:

Your CD rack has
No Barbra, Britney, or Cher
Are you sure you're gay?

And:

Where are all these gays
Going this early? Oh, right:
Sale at Ikea

See the gay man in
His natural habitat:
bed, Bath & Beyond

And what better way to end, then:

I know you think I
Like it when you slap my ass
You are mistaken

Baltimore Or Less

If you're a fan of Bygone Baltimore culture and institutions, you'll want to check out my upcoming Baltimore Or Less film program at the Enoch Pratt Central Library, Saturday, November 19, 2:30-4:30 p.m. The films cover everything from indie rock songs inspired by Baltimore to the annual Hampden Hon Fest, the famous Mac Lewis Gym in West Baltimore where former World Boxing Champ Hasim "The Rock" Rahman trained, the 1962 Orioles, and fond looks back at classic Natty Boh commercials (thanks Scott!), Mr. Ray, White Tower Restaurants, Edie the Egg Lady, and Dantini the Magician's memories of his beloved Star-Spangled Banner City.

BALTIMORE OR LESS
Short Films About Baltimore
Saturday, November 19, 2005, 2 – 4 p.m.
Wheeler Auditorium, Pratt Central



In Charm’s Way

“Baltimore Or Less” Jules Verdone music video (1999)
There are many songs about Baltimore, from Tori Amos to Randy Newman, but this is the only one we had available to show on video. From former hometown girl Jules Verdone, who found Charm City to be a metaphor her summer doldroms. Recorded live at Fletcher’s. (Tom Warner, 1999, 4 minutes, video)

Excerpts from Baltimore: Modern American City of Charm and Distinction
“Beneath those billowing white clouds is the skyline of Baltimore, metropolis of Maryland, home of a million people. What a change has taken place since that day in 1606 when Capt. John Smith sailed up the placid waters of the Pataspsco,” bellows Lowell Thomas, the world famous broadcaster and journalist who helped pioneer the travelogue film genre, in these delightfully kitschy glimpses of post-War Baltimore. (1950s, 5 minutes, color, video)

“Friends In Low Places” excerpt from People Like Us: Social Class in America (2001)

In America, social class is the elephant in the room that nobody says exists, but it’s hard to ignore in Baltimore, whose blue collar charms have been given national exposure via the films of Barry Levinson and John Waters. This excerpt from Louis Alvarez and Andrew Kolker’s award-winning documentary People Like Us: Social Class In America presents two Charm City hallmarks – big hair (we are, after all, “The Hairdo Capital of the World” according to John Waters) and “dive” bars – and asks whether Baltimore’s eccentricities are being celebrated or mocked for kitsch value. First we see Kelly Conway (pictured above) don her bio-dome sized wig as she heads off to MC the annual Hon Festival in Hampden, then we see slumming Yuppies amuse themselves on a neighborhood “dive bar crawl” through East Baltimore. (2001, 8 minutes, DVD)

The Land of Pleasant Living

National Bohemian Commercials
“National Beer, National Beer, we like the taste of National beer.” Sing along to the jingles associated with old Natty Boh, now brewed by the folks at Pabst. Most people associate it with the one-eyed Mr. Boh, but there was a whole cast of characters in the Land of Pleasant Living. Don’t forget: "There's Chincoteague oysters and crabs and clams, and fried chicken and Virginia hams, and while we’re singing, we’re proud to say, it’s brewed on the shores of the Chesapeake Bay." (1960s, 10 minutes, video)

“Mr. Ray” excerpt from Steve Yeager’s Divine Trash (1998)
Mr. Ray’s hair weave commercials were a staple of 60s and 70s local TV and his voice was as uniquely identified with Baltimore as Chuck Thompson’s was calling Orioles and Colts games. In this excerpt from Steve Yeager’s award-winning documentary Divine Trash, John Waters reminisces about how he tried to get Mr. Ray to narrate Pink Flamingos, but was rebuffed and had to do it himself under the guise of “Mr. Jay.” (1970s, 2 minutes, video)

“White Tower Restaurants” excerpt from MPT’s Gone But Not Forgotten (1994)This nostalgic look back at White Tower Restaurants, narrated by Baltimore Sun columnist Dan Rodricks, originally aired on Maryland Public Television’s Gone But Not Forgotten program.

Baltimore Analogy (1970)
To the sound of a banjo, a kaleidoscopic succession of photographs capture different aspects of life in Baltimore--Mt. Vernon Place, street Arabs, Federal Hill, the Block. Baltimore Film Festival entry, 1970. (Tom Drisgill, 1970, 1 ½ minutes, b/w & color, 16mm)

And Baltimore Too (1980)
A camera crew asks provocative questions of Baltimore residents and records their answers. Questions include: "What do you think about the world," "What do you think about Baltimore," and "If you could change the world, what would you change?" But the most interesting aspect of this film is the chance to see what 80s Baltimore looked like. (Brian Sands, 1980, 4 minutes, color, 16mm)

Local Legends & Sporting Goods

Love Letter To Edie (1975)
This is a tongue-in-cheek biography of Edith “The Egg Lady” Massey, star of the John Waters films Multiple Maniacs, Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, Desperate Living and Polyester, who passed away in 1984. The film traces her life from a foster home to a career as a B girl on the Block, a barmaid at Pete's Hotel in Fells Point, owner of the "Miss Edith's Shopping Bag" thrift shop in Fells Point and finally as a "glamorous" star of John Waters' underground films. Written, produced and directed by Robert Maier (line producer of Waters’ Desperate Living, Polyester and Hairspray), it won an award at the 1975 Baltimore Film Festival. (Robert Maier, 1975, 14 minutes, 16mm)

The Star-Spangled City: Our Baltimore (1978)
This labor of love was directed, produced and narrated by legendary hometown magician Vincent Dantini, who passed in 1979. It was the Fells Point resisent’s fourth and final film and somewhat of a debacle as Dantini rented out the 13,500-seat Baltimore Civic Center (what today is the 1st Mariner Arena) for its 1978 premiere and lost $5,000 when only 60 people showed up. Besides featuring guest appearances by Blaze Starr, City Councilman Mimi DiPietro, and Mayor William Donald Schaefer, and a look at one of the earliest Baltimore City Fairs, it also manages to capture an inner harbor fire as well! (Dantini Films, 1978, 27 minutes, 16mm)

Stick Him (1978)
This documentary about legendary Baltimore boxing trainer Mac Lewis shows him in the gym and at ringside, offering far more than physical training. Angela May’s film shows that he has the capacity to instill a feeling of worth and self-respect in his fighters. Many local pugilists have trained at Mac Lewis' Gym, but none more famous than Baltimore's former WBC-IBF heavyweight world champion Hasim “The Rock” Rahman. (Angela Mays, 1978, 12 minutes, 16mm)

Orioles In Action 1962
In tribute to Baseball Hall of Fame broadcaster Chuck Thompson, who passed away this past March at age 83, we present this ultra-rare 1962 Orioles season recap narrated by the man who was the voice of the O’s for the better part of five decades, starting in 1955. This amazing historical record contains the oldest known existing COLOR footage of Brooks Robinson and rookie John "Boog" Powell! The film starts off at the O's minor league camp in Thomasville, Georgia (where you can see Earl Weaver swatting grounders in his pre-managerial days), and continues through Spring Training in Florida. But the most interesting part of all may be the regular season highlights footage, featuring Opening Day at Yankee Stadium and the O's home opener against the Red Sox (where Brooksie hits his first homer of the season and rookie Boog gets his first major league hit in Memorial Stadium). (27 minutes, 16mm).

What Your Car Says About Its Chances of Being Stolen

This just in...Three separate studies reveal the vehicles most stolen in the United States.

CCC's Top 10 Most Stolen Cars in 2004
Source: CCC Information Services, Inc. (CCC)

1. 1999 Acura Integra
2. 2002 BMW M Roadster
3. 1998 Acura Integra
4. 1991 GMC V2500
5. 2002 Audi S4
6. 1996 Acura Integra
7. 1995 Acura Integra
8. 2004 Mercury Marauder
9. 1997 Acura Integra
10. 1992 Mercedes-Benz 600

Wow. earlier this year, my Dad had an Acura Integra lined up for me to buy from one of his connections at the retirement home. Glad I bailed at the last minute! But the sorry news is that my current Pimp Ride is the Lemming-esque Honda Accord, which picked up the Bronze medal on the NICB list below. Who woulda thought someone would want my run-it-into-the-ground clunker?

NICB's Top 10 Stolen Cars in 2003
Source: National Insurance Crime Bureau (NICB) "Hot Wheels" Report.

1. Honda Civic (2000)
2. Toyota Camry (1989)
3. Honda Accord (1991)
4. Chevrolet C/K 1500 (1994)
5. Dodge Caravan (1994)
6. Ford F-150 (1997)
7. Toyota Pickup (1986)
8. Acura Integra (1995)
9. Nissan Sentra (1987)
10. Oldsmobile Cutlass (1986)

HLDI's Most Stolen Vehicles for Model Years 2001-2003
Source: Highway Loss Data Institute (HLDI), which looks at the insurance theft losses reported for one- to three-year-old vehicles.

1. Cadillac Escalade EXT Pickup Truck
2. Nissan Maxima
3. Cadillac Escalade
4. Dodge Stratus/Chrysler Sebring
5. Dodge Intrepid

Most Stolen SUV:
I hate SUVs and have no sympathy for people whose gas-guzzling rollover hazards are victimized. In fact, you know what? Thank you, thieves! Steal more! Make people buy hybrids!

1. The Cadillac Escalade
2. 1998 Land Rover Range Rover
For more information see:
America's Most Stolen Vehicles

Friends In Low Places

I have them.

Nothing is worse than being at your day job, on the desk with your boss, and having a fan of your cable access TV show come in to praise your "porno episode." Except for a subsequent discussion by said fanboy into the proclivity of certain female adult stars for engaging in graphic non-procreative sex acts involving their anus. The thespian in question was Chloe Nicole(born Chloe Hoffman), shown at left, a bass-playing headbanger and former Poison groupie (she seemed to appear on VH-1 everytime they ran a segment on the L.A. glam rockers - for more on her Sunset Strip groupie days, which included doing the entire Warrant band one night, see her interview with Sleazegrinder magazine), and star (according to the Internet Movie DataBase) of some 176 porn films (if anyone's counting). Atomic TV interviewed her several times at the annual East Coast Video Show in Atlantic City, N.J., where she enthused about her work and expertise in that special area that Led Zeppelin once named an album after (In Through the Out Door).

Miss Nicole (sometimes spelled Nichole) was also famous for starring in the first film to be taken to court by the Bush Administration, Seymore Butts' Tampa Tushy Fest(1999).An IMDB user comments:

This is the video which is getting plenty of publicity due to content. It was shot in Florida in 1998 during the week of the annual Tampa Show and features a scene which is causing Seymore Butts plenty of problems: the scene with Chloe and Alysha Klass is a magician's nightmare: it includes the infamous Disappearing Hand Trick.

The disappearing hand trick is also known in the adult trade as "fisting" and it sure got Mr. Butts (real name Adam Glasser - you know, the star of Showtime's Family Business!) in trouble with the Feds, after the they raided his office in December 2000 and confiscated the master and all copies of the tape. The L.A. City Attorney later charged Glasser, his company, and his mother (his was literally a "family business"!) with one count of trafficking in obscene materials each as well as one count each of promoting the distribution of obscene materials. The case was flimsy, and in 2002 Glasser got off with a $1,000 fine after entering a "public nusiance plea" that helped the D.A. save face. If you're happy and you know it, un-ball your hands - and pay the man.

Chloe is definitely a fan of the practice. According to Violet Blue of Tiny Nibbles:

As Chloe said about fisting and the scene in Tushy Fest: "For me, it's almost a spiritual act. And in this particular scene, you can see that Alisha and I are having a very good time." Glasser commented on his motivations for including the controversial scene in the first place, saying: "I didn't do this fisting just to create a stir. I didn't do it because I wanted to create this controversy. I did it because I asked Chloe, 'What gets you off?' She said, 'I like it when somebody fists me.' It was so innocent! So I wanted to shoot it, and that was the reality of it... Something that causes somebody to have eyes-rolled-in-the-back-of-their-head orgasms, that's the kind of stuff that I want to see, and I think the people out there want to see it as well."

Anyway, I can attest to Chloe's enjoyment of the practice, hands down.
In fact, in 1999, the last year Atomic TV interviewed Chloe at ECVS, I recall her chatting with Nina Hartley about it as we were heading out. Nina had just experienced her first "fisting" and was positively gushing about it. In the course of giving Nina some pointers about technique, Chloe actually pulled me aside and commented that I would make a poor fister because I had bony little hands that would hurt a woman's inner sanctum, whereupon she grabbed our A/V tech Bob and effused about how great his chubby little mits would be because they were "meaty."

Then she went on to tell Nina how she threw her boyfriend out of bed the night before because she wanted to "make baby" and he said he was too tired and asked if she could just grab some lotion and apply the motion to his doodad. "That fucker Tom!" she railed, "I kicked his sorry ass out right then." "Hey, that's my name," I blurted unwittingly. She just scowled at me.

Oh it figgers his name was Tom! My hands, my glands, my fans. I can't win!

Addendum:
I forgot to mention that the fanboy who started this thought-provoking discourse asked for my autograph. "You've got to be kidding," I said, but he was earnest, so I scrawled my signature. And he wanted to shake my hand. Perhaps he felt that by shaking the hand of the man who had shaken the hand of the Tampa Tushy Fest fister (say that three times quickly!), he had almost touched his idol Chloe. I wonder if he'll ever wash it? Full Disclosure: I certainly washed mine!

Addendum Deux:
Chloe has played bass in bands throughout her career and has a single "Harder" that appears on the Porn To Rock CD. But she has no doubts about which of her careers has been sleazier, to wit: "Just when you think you've been fucked in every position, check out the music industry." (And Chloe should know, having probably done every position with members of Poison, Motley Crue, Faster Pussycat, Jetboy, and The Zeroes, as well as with every member of Warrant.) Despite her regrettable taste in music - her first record was Tom Warner lookalike Nick Gilder's "Hot Child In the City" and she has said that the Bee Gees' Beatles movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonelyhearts Club Band changed her life - she is a big fan of Baltimore's hard-rockin' metal meisters Kix, so you have to cut her some slack for that, although it's probably because frontman Steve Whiteman reminded her of Brett Michaels (Kix always thought Michaels stole Whiteman's moves and that Poison aped their stage act). And she has moved behind the camera recently to direct a line of films for VCA. She merges her two great influences - sex and rock - in her film Heart Strings, the saga of a band on the verge of success only to be torn asunder by internal conflicts over sexual infidelity. Sounds a little like a VH1 "Behind the Music" look at Fleetwood Mac. I guess Ian Curtis was right: Love will tear you apart. Especially backdoor love.

What Your Car Says About You

This Year's Models
An article in today's New York Times referenced a survey of "favorite chick cars" and "favorite guy cars" conducted by the NPR radio show "Car Talk." The winners are presented below.

FAVE CHICK CARS OF ALL-TIME



1. VW BEETLE
Beetlemania! Chicks still go wild over the Beetles. "The VW Beetle. A chick car, definitely. And made to be so. How? I know of no other automobile with a FLOWER VASE as standard equipment."

2. VW CABRIOLET
"All teen-age girls classify them as cute. 'Nuff said."

3. MAZDA MIATA
"I discovered this phenomenon when I got a Miata. "Girlie car." That's all I heard."

4. VW JETTA
"Anything by Volkswagen is a chick car. VW realized this years ago and joined forces with another company to sell guy cars--they called that company Porsche."

5. DODGE NEON
"Neons are Barbie cars: little and cute and rounded in the hips. Even in black, they are feminine and adorable, only just a bit tougher, like Tattoo Barbie."

FAVE GUY CARS OF ALL-TIME


1. FORD MUSTANG
"A back seat guaranteed to be too small for your mother-in-law."

2. CHEVY CORVETTE
"I believe the main aspect that determines the male/female state of a car is based on the engine-compartment-(hood)-to-cab-length ratio. A car such as a pickup or Corvette has a large hood-to-cab-length ratio."

3. CHEVY CAMERO
"...with twice the horsepower needed. Used to show other guys how manly you really are."

4. FORD F-150 PICKUP
"Any car with numbers or letters for a name, or tacked on the end, can become a guy car. For example, F-150 or Civic-SI."

5. DODGE VIPER
"It might be a guy car if there was a movie or TV show built entirely around it. Other examples include Burt Reynolds' Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit, Nash Bridges' Hemi Cuda convertible, and Jim Rockford's Firebird."

MY GIRLFRIEND AMY'S FAVE CARS

1. MINI COOPER
2. TOYOTA SCION XA
3. MAZDA 3
4. TOYOTA SCION XB
5. SUZUKI AERIO





FAVE GAY & LESBIAN CARS

As voted by "Car Talk" listeners (whose comments are reproduced below).

1. DODGE NEON
"Five of us gay girls went camping with two gay males. The girls all showed up in small pickups, with various large dogs in the backs. The boys showed up in a purple Dodge Neon, with a little lap dog (which, of course, rode up front with them in the air conditioning)."

2. VW CABRIO
"The VW Cabrio should definitely be in the running. The cute, yet spiffy styling screams, "Urban Gay Male," especially with the top down."

3. SUBARU FORRESTER
"It has to be the Subaru Forrester. Way cooler than a minivan. When you are picking up the kids from school the other parents know you mean business. "Hey here comes that gay mom in her Forrester –better let her through. Yesterday someone cut her off so she four-wheeled past the flag pole to pick up her kid," the other moms whisper with envy."

4. VOLVO V70XC
"Gay men want to be politically correct, but have tons of fun. Many of us enjoy the outdoors, but are conscious of the environment. We want to arrive in style (and without having to get grease under our fingernails.) And let's not forget the children--either human or dog. So it's pretty clear to me . . . with AWD, world renowned safety including an inflatable curtain, a flexible roof rack system, heated leather seats, a kickin' sound system, and an outrageously priced yet extremely effective navigational system to find that new boyfriend's house, it is, in short, everything a man could ever want or need. The winner is a 2001 Volvo V70XC a.k.a., the Cross Country."

5. SUBARU OUTBACK
"I believe the vehicle of choice for the queer woman should be a Subaru Outback with a sunroof, accessorized with a thule rack (even if you are a couch potato) and CD player (for the Melissa Etheridge box set, personally I prefer Emmy Lou Harris) . (accessories are important in queer culture). This vehicle is sporty enough for the single girl and practical enough for the domesticated one. The Outback suggests a spirit of domestication and play. The logic: If single, the Outback states you're not opposed to attachment; if partnered, you're not opposed to say . . . children or, at the very least, pets. Absolutely, I would date a woman with an Outback. Unfortunately, I don't own one."

And here's an old chestnut, the "What Your Car Says About You" list.

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU: THE LIST

Acura Integra
I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend
I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX
I am impotent

Audi 90
I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue
I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado
I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville
I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro
I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Chevette
I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette
I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino
I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba
I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z
I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart
I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona
I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Fairmont (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang
I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria
I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Geo Storm
I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker
I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol
I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic
I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord
I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45
I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse
I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6
I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia
I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car
I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis (See above)

Mercedes 500SL
I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 560SEL
I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata
I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB
I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante
I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX
I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass
I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505
Diesel I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon
I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM
I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 944
I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2 (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy
I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu

Toyota Camry
I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle
I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet
I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus
I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon
I am frightened of my wife

Jocko Homo?

Queen Eye for the Straight Guy
Last night as I was watching the World Series go into extra innings (the White Sox won in the 14th, if anyone cares), the Houston Astrodome P.A. system started blaring out Queen's "Under Pressure." To my ears, this was a new twist on the fairly predictable jock rock soundtrack and a very appropos tune as the score was tied 5-5 and there was considerable pressure for the Astros, already down 2-0 in the Series, to pull this one out.

And, predictably, it involved Queen, a band with a big sound seemingly made for stadiums. Now, as everyone knows, there are two Queen songs that are staples of all sporting contests. One is the let's-get-pumped-up "We Will Rock You" and the other is "We Are the Champions," the obligatory post-game or post-Championship anthem played for any team anywhere after winning something. It's so obvious that even Homer Simpson has sung a not-so-modest refrain of "I am the Champions" after some self-congratulatory, rub-it-in-the-face-of-the-other-guy moment on The Simpsons. (Also in that rub-it-in vein is another Queen song, "Another One Bites the Dust," sometimes used after a baseball pitcher is given the hook.)

But it's always struck me as funny that Queen, who started out Glam Rock and were fronted by Rock & Roll's first superstar AIDS casualty, the flamboyantly gay Freddie Mercury, have always been associated with testosterone and sporting events. Equally perverse is the stadium soundtrack popularity of kiddie porn-felon Gary Glitter, whose "Rock & Roll Part 2" ("HEY!") is a fixture of sporting contests. Is alternative sexuality a prerequisite for anthemic jock jams?

I was never a Queen fan and really only knew a handful of songs before I met my girlfriend Amy, who is the world's biggest Queen fanatic. My ex-wife turned me onto "Killer Queen" from SHEER HEART ATTACK (which I liked and thought was similar to the quaint riffs and wordplay of Sparks), and I knew "Bohemian Rhapsody" from its highwater mark attained in WAYNE'S WORLD. But I loathed the stripped-down, foot-stomping banality of "We Will Rock You," which I always seemed to hear everytime I turned on 98 Rock and thus associated with the kind of bad, populist Album Oriented Rock that used to bore me to tears on that station, along with the constant playlist of Pink Floyd, Heart, and Heavy Metal. "We Are the Champions" left me neither hot nor cold, it was just expected after a championship or big game. To leave it off the P.A. playlist would be a sin of omission.

Now, thanks to my my girlfriend, I can appreciate the bigness, the campness, the pomp and circumstance, of Queen, a band that has made the world its stage and defines the term "Stadium Rock." But it still makes me smile to think that so-many red-blooded, beer-guzzling, Playboy-reading, homophobic All-American types who fill the seats at baseball, hockey, football and NASCAR events are getting pumped up and filled with sporting glory swagger from listening to Freddie Mercury, a guy who used to wear feather boas and leotards and sport The World's GAYEST Mustache back in the day.

For more on arena rock anthems, see Sports Illustrated scribe John Rolfe's The Original Soundtrack: Theme Song Suggestions for teams and Players

Yes, I Am Blind

Yes, I am blind
No, I can't see
There must be something
Horribly wrong with me?
- Morrissey

Doctor my eyes
Tell me what is real
I hear their cries
Just saying "It's too late for me"
- Jackson Browne

Yes, I am blind. No, I can't see. How blind am I? So much so that today I waved to what I thought was a blonde at the end of the hall, only to find out, when I got closer, that "she" was actually a vase of flowers. Pathetic.

Want more? The next day I thought I saw my ex-girlfriend at the library. There was a woman with dark brown hair, about the same height and body type as my ex, or at least I thought so from way aross the main hall of Pratt Central. I saw her talking to a librarian about something, then went up afterwards and asked the librarian, "What did that lady want? I think that may have been my old girlfriend." "I don't think so," he replied, shaking his head. How would he know, I thought? Then when I asked again, he rolled his eyes and mentioned how she was mumbling to herself and stumbling around in a daze. While I have been known to have an effect on women, it had never been this severe, driving one to a mental breakdown. The next day I saw the woman close up and realized my mistake - she was one of our junkie regulars who spend all day surfing the Internet in the computer room. No wonder the librarian doubted my romantic past with this poor woman.

Anyway, while I'm on the subject of my diminished eyesight, here are a few notes about famous people who went blind (not that I'm famous, but I can dream, can't I?), as taken from Jim Lehrer's NewsHour special Dying of the Light," in which Lehrer and essayist Roger Rosenblatt discuss former Time editor-in-chief Henry Grumwald's book about going blind, Twilight:

John Milton wrote a famous sonnet on his blindness ("When I Consider How My Light Is Spent"), the one that ends "They also serve who only stand and wait." But the sonnet begins, "When I consider how my light is spent," a line that suggests how precious the light is.

Jorge Luis Borges, the great Latin American writer who died in 1986, wrote a beautiful essay on blindness in which he cited the realm of the blind as "inconvenient." Colors were confused for him. Worse, he was losing his eyesight just at the moment he was appointed director of the national library in Argentina. It was the job of his dreams, which were dimmed by irony. "There I was," he wrote, "the center, in a way, of 900,000 books in various languages. But I found I could barely make out the title pages and the spines." (Reminds me of the "Time Enough At Last" Twilight Zone episode in which bookworm Burgess Meredith is the lone survivor of a nuclear holocaust and is surrounded by all the books he has been trying to read, only to break his eyeglasses!) Geeze, I work in a library and can relate, but even more so when I think of my film library at home. All those movies, all those porn tapes, all those images, now just a blur.

Homer - he made the world envision the indispensable sea voyage in The Odyssey and the fundamental war in The Iliad.

James Thurber - he saw into the magnificent nonsense of the mind most clearly, even as his own light failed.

Roger Rosenblatt closes his NewsHour review with these insightful lines:

Love is blind. Justice is blind. Samson was blinded. The absence of sight can be made into a virtue, but reality bites. "I was blind, but now I see," goes "Amazing Grace." But the truth is that one wants to see actually as well as spiritually. I don't know if the great blind people of history would've traded insight for sight, but in any case, they had no choice. So one is left staring inwardly at all the astonishing objects they discovered in the dark. In a way, they became remarkable sights themselves. One could not take one's eyes off Helen Keller in her struggles, watching a human being deprived of the essential senses displaying what being human is about-- adjustment to misfortune, courage in the night.

This is the season of the dying of the light. From now through the end of the century, the sky closes down and the world comes up with faith to see it through the winter solstice. Henry Grunwald would say that this is a valuable time of year, when one is aware of how much light means and yearns for the light as all creatures do. But his book makes a less abstract and more useful point. "One must measure and conduct one's life on its own terms," he writes. No one sees clearer than that.

OK, time to don my reading glasses and read today's redesigned Baltimore Sun newspaper, whose editors, in a recognition of the increasing age of their decreasing readers, have made everything BIGGER in the daily rag - from Humongous Headlines that take up half the page and full-color graphics to Large Type Print that I think even Stevie Wonder could read - that make it seem like it was put together by the editors of USA Today, Reader's Digest and Highlights magazine. It's telling that my eyes are so bad that I didn't even notice the change; in fact, I liked it! Me and the retirees!

Enoch Pratt: Best Cinema Verite Secret

I work in the Audio-Visual department of the Enoch Pratt Free Library, Central Branch, and was surprised today to see that we had a framed award for "Best Cinema Verite Secret" from the Baltimore City Paper. The secret is our amazing collection of films by documentarian legend Frederick Wiseman (shown here), titles too expensive (starting at $400 per film) for most institutions or commercial video retailers to carry. Following is the text accompanying that award, taken from the September 21, 2005 "Best of Baltimore" issue of the City Paper:

Best Cinéma Vérité Secret
Enoch Pratt Free Library’s Frederick Wiseman collection
400 Cathedral St., (410) 396-4616, website

Film geeks love to jock the work of documentary pioneers the Maysles Brothers, especially the shudderingly bleak Salesman and the gleefully grotesque Grey Gardens. But while less of a household name, documentarian Frederick Wiseman’s astonishing body of work has consistently delivered dozens of movies in a similar vein and of the same very high caliber. Unfortunately for the average consumer—and perhaps for the director’s own reputation—Wiseman controls his own catalog and sells his titles at exorbitant prices (often several hundred dollars a pop per VHS cassette), designed to keep all but serious organizations (film schools, libraries) away. Which means you won’t be able to grab the likes of 1967’s Titicut Follies—which exposed brutal conditions at a mental-health facility, and culminates in a vaudevillian variety show co-performed by employees and patients of that same facility—from Video Americain over the weekend, let alone Blockbuster or Netflix. Thankfully, the Enoch Pratt has plopped down a good chunk of change on Wiseman’s work over the years, allowing us to sample seminal late-’60s-to-mid-’70s works such as High School, Hospital, and Law and Order, as well as 1989’s six-hour-long Near Death. All of these films, freed from narration, on-screen text, incidental music, and talking heads, make us feel like all-seeing eyes, guided by Wiseman’s camera work and cutting through troubled institutions during even-more-troubled times. Trust us, once you’ve worked your way through the Pratt’s holdings, you’ll be considering sending Wiseman a few hundred bills for the ones the Pratt doesn’t own, such as Meat—or at least pestering the Pratt’s A/V guys and gals to order them. Hint, hint.

Hint taken! And thanks to whoever the secret verite-loving City Paper reviewer is. I have a hunch it was one of those Video Americain guys - Scott, Eric, Michael, or Scott Wallace Brown - because the Wiseman tapes are the only videos those completists don't have (and believe me, it's pretty tough to top Video Americain in any category!). Was it you Eric Allen Hatch? If so, thanks!

Still Not Fascinating?

I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room this morning, getting sicker by the minute as I watched Maury Povitch's Jerry Springer-lite freak show on the telly, a "Hot and Sexy Opposites" special about couples madly in love with their physical polar opposites - you know, tall people with midgets, skinny guys with fat chicks, young guys with "sexy" seniors - that surely would have amused sideshow impressario P. T. Barnum or Nazi mix-and-match experimenter Dr. Mengele if they were still alive...when I suddenly saw someone who looked familiar.

"Wait," I thought. "I've seen that guy. he's a musician, he's in some band." Oh, yeah, Anthony Bedard (pictured at left), the drummer in the early 90s San Francisco "noisefuck" trio The Icky Boyfriends, a band whose charm, in one reviewer's apt description, "reveals itself like the too-familiar special sauce in your fish taco." And I remember thinking, "Maybe it's all not fake, maybe this calvacade of cultural perversion is for real?" But then I realized that musicians, being the world's greatest egotists - after politicians and writers, of course - will generally do anything to promote themselves and their bands, so I had a moment of doubt.

Talk Dupe
I recall years ago that Baltimore's rock troubadours Maypole once appeared on the Jerry Springer show, pretending to be a band torn asunder by a lesbian love triangle, but it was all a farce, concocted because the band wanted to travel to Chicago on Springer's dime. And who can blame them? I knew about the hoax because I nominated it for "Best Rock & Roll Swindle" in the Baltimore City Paper's 1995 Best of Baltimore issue, and later included the TV footage on Atomic TV's "Baltimore Local Music" episode. Anyway, a great e-list/newsletter site called owner-invisible-college has the full scoop (taken from "These Foolish Things," a 1998 Baltimore City Paper article on famous local pranks), and I reprint their description below:

On Valentine's Day 1995 the world learned the hissy, slap-and-bicker details of a musical lesbian love triangle gone decidedly sour. It was all in a day's work for that bastion of highbrow programming, The Jerry
Springer Show. Arrayed before Jerry's camera's were the three ladies from the Baltimore rock band Maypole, all breathlessly confessing that they made beautiful music together of another sort. The bassist, a shocked Middle America learned, was sleeping with the guitarist, who in turn was jumping the bones of the drummer.

Girls will be girls-and fools will be fools. Maypole's appearance earned it an award for "Best Rock 'n' Roll Swindle" in City Paper's 1995 Best of Baltimore issue. And now you know the rest of the story: this televised display of Sapphic dirty lingerie was a delicious slice of dyed-in-the-wool dupery, with TV's sleaze-talk king the victim. Maypole is no more, but we tracked down drummer Laura King and bassist Karen Palter to get the real story. After King called the Chicago-based show and aroused some interest in the ladies' love lives (claiming the band was called Pretty Beaver), Springer's advance crew upped the ante. It called Palter at work and asked if anyone else was involved in the she-said, she-said affair. A quick-thinking Palter dreamed up an angry ex-boyfriend, and he was invited to appear too. Percussionist-about-town Rob Oswald was only too happy to play the jilted boy toy, giddily flying out with just the clothes on his back. The scamming foursome stayed in Chicago only a night, but they made the most of it, ransacking the hotel minibar and keeping the room-service crew on its toes-all on Sir Springer's tab, of course.

The next day's taping was a flawless display of Method acting and teasing titillation. Oswald copped supporting-actor honors, repeatedly shouting "Slut!" and even hocking a loogy at guitarist Jane Kelly's face. (This, uh, juicy bit of drama was preplanned back in Baltimore.) Oswald's mouth-missile won the coveted clip-of-the-week spot on E! network's Talk Soup.

Recalling the hoax, Palter sheds some light on talk-show hospitality: "They pick you up in a limo and drop you off on a bus," she says: As soon as the on-air light winked out, Springer's toadies loaded the Baltimoreans-and the rest of that show's wackos-on a bus and whisked them back to the airport. Of course, the ex-Maypole lasses might be hoaxing us. Maybe they really area bunch of bed-hopping rock 'n' roll badasses. In any event, something romantically real did come out of the whirlwind Windy City trip. After playing out their wrecked coupling on TV, longtime friends Palter and Oswald embarked on a real-life courtship, and they've been together ever since. We can almost hear Montel's teaser now: "They fell in love on The Jerry Springer Show . . . up next!"

Meanwhile, back at the Waiting Room

OK, so back to the doctor's office. The guy in question was described as "Anthony, 37 year-old" who was in love with a 77-year-old stripper named Dixie.(BTW, what is it about rock musicians and strippers? Take away the age difference and this would be a normal pairing.) Joggling my brain, I knew I had seen this guy in a band, and then I recalled he was Anthony Bedard, erstwhile drummer for San Francisco cult band The Icky Boyfriends, whose greatest claim to fame was starring in "King of Super 8" director Danny Plotnick 's 1996 film I'm Not Fascinating - The Movie!, which Mr. Bedard co-wrote and co-produced and whose plot has been described as "the pointless shenanigans of rock 'n' roll ne'er-do-wells The Icky Boyfriends and their futile quest for rock 'n' roll stardom." No one knows about this film, which I first saw at the 1997 Baltimore MicroCineFest - a lone VHS copy of which is available only at local film lover's emporium Video American - but it's a fairly amusing look at the Pepsi-obsessed (they cook everything with it!) three-piece ensemble, whose other members were guitarist Shea Bond and one-of-a-kind fluffy-haired singer Jonathan Swift (not to be confused with the 18th Century English writer, but possibly to be confused with the 20th Century American cartoon character Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons). Together they played music that was likened to an unholy union of Half Japanese meeting Jonathan Richman (though Richman never penned songs about dental dams or the taste of his girlfriend's spermicidal jelly). Or, as music critic Jennifer Kelly so succinctly observed, the Ickies walked "a fine, very permeable line between unlistenable and brilliant," with lyrics "like an autistic child's stream of consciousness." No wonder Danny Plotnick loved them.

In the film, Anthony and Shea support themselves as instructors at a comedy school, while Jonathan refuses to work, spending his days getting his hair done and toenails polished. Well, those days have gone. I work with Jonathan Swift at the Baltimore city library, where he now lives down his glorious rock star past as a mild-mannered book shelver in the dusty, musty subterranean bowels of the Enoch Pratt Free Library. He may no longer be fascinating, but it looks like his old drummer is still trying to be. Post-Ickies, Bedard continued on in a duo called the Resineators, with guitarist David Nudelman, and looks to be a fellow cable access TV producer for something called ACTV (Acid Caberet TV). Oh, and I just ran across this news item from SF's Bay Guardian, dated May 26, 2003 (so the Maury program must have been a rerun):

What would the Bay Guardian be without at least one weekly mention of Cameron chum, Hemlock Tavern booker, former Icky Boyfriend drummer, and your friendly Mr. Evil? Anthony Bedard was flown to New York on Wednesday to appear as a guest on the Maury Povich show as the boyfriend of Dixie Evans, 77-year-old burlesque star and curator of the Exotic World burlesque museum. "For reals!" affirms Bedard, who met Evans when he was playing drums for Fisherman's Famous Burlesque. "She's the sweetest, coolest woman." No icky boyfriend he.

Looking up Dixie Evans, I learned that in her 1950s heyday, her gimmick was utilizing her physical resemblance to Marilyn Monroe to do a Norma Jean striptease (as seen in photo at left). As the reviewer at Java's Bachelor Pad put it, "The real Marilyn Monroe was too inaccessible to your average joe, but Evans (in her Monroe guise) could let these men's imagination run wild. If you couldn't have Monroe, you could have the next best thing." It was a good run until Marilyn's death in the early 60s.

Icks Picks
And what of the the Ickies legacy? Are they still not fascinating? Well, in 2000, the Menlo Park label issued a limited-edition, career-wrapping compilation titled Talking to You Is Just Like Being Dead, which consisted mostly of previously unreleased studio cuts. Menlo Park upped the ante in 2005 with the release of a 57-track career retrospective called A Love Obscene.


Icky Boyfriends Links:
www.mp3.com
Blue Ghost Publicity
Midheaven Mailorder
Dusted Review
Pitchfork Media Review
Ugly Music for Beautiful People
Splendid Magazine Review

Dixie Evans Links:
Dixie Evans gallery
Exotic World Burlesque Museum
Java's Bachelor Pad

Reviews of I'M NOT FASCINATING:
Big Empire
Video Addicts

To buy I'M NOT FASCINATING:
Video Addicts catalog
Buy Indies.com
SatanMacNuggit (also has a preview clip)

Know the Toe

Thanks to Scott Huffines for sending me yet another amusing link, this one from the newspaper column "Ask Leslie" about a concerned godparent afraid that his/her godson might be on drugs because the lad's been looking for "camel toads" at the local pool!

















If you're blind, like me, you might wanna read the big print version here:
Scouting for Camel Toads at the Pool

Obviously the godparent had misunderstood "camel toe," which is described by the urbane folks at Urban Dictionary as "a very aesthetically pleasing phenomenon, whereby a woman's venus mound is clearly discernable under the snug fabric of her lower garment." A classic textbook example of this phenomenon is shown on the gal at left, below:













But camel toe isn't restricted just to slutty, drunk domestic skanks; it's a worldwide phenonema, as this photo of Miss Afghanistan in her hot pants reveals. In just three years under our influence, that country has moved from Taliban to Toeliban. Democracy in action!

























And, in a related story, male "camel toe" (AKA "moose knuckle") was spotted on a Mexican in our own backyard, Ocean City, Maryland, by the hawk-eyed (or is that "fish-eyed") experts at Camel Toe Report. The Toe Report is amazingly thorough and funny. In fact, all the photos shown here are from the big Toe site. Their male toe listings are quite amusing - quite a few rock stars like Andy Gibb and Bon Scott turn up. Who knew that when Harry Shearer stuffed that cucumber in his pants in Spinal Tap he was creating an early version of Male Toe/Moose Knuckle?




Further Resources for Concerned Godparents:

• The official online field spotter's guide for "Camel Toe," both male and female: Camel Toe Report


• All-girl band Fannypack's song "Cameltoe."

Down Mammary Lane

I ran across this picture in some MySpace Group and now I can't remember where it was. Does anyone know who this gal with the healthy spore sacs is?











A Meditation On Breasts
I've never been a breast man, having ignored this strategic zone for most of my adult life - maybe because I dismissed them as mere animal fat designed for the nourishment of babies or the amusement of Benny Hill-Generation dirty old men - but I have to say this is my all-time favorite animated gif. Perhaps I'm growing as a person now, seeing the full spectrum of Life's rich pagentry? Perhaps with Age comes Wisdom? Nah, Age is still dining at a table set for one! I think they only interest me now because of their innate silliness. I mean, why do you think they call them boobs?

Big Words
Anyway, while we're on the weighty subject of breasts, I remember coming across a Pulp Fiction novel excerpt that had contained what is possibly the greatest prose passage ever written about them:

Dual prize packages of rounded richness, twin curved cones of bouncing fun flesh, matched mountains of youthful tanned quivering exciting femininity, titanic orbs of temptation, happy hemispheres of lust, jaunty jiggling rotundities of passion--in a phrase...MY kind of breasts! (by Anonymous Hack)

Thanks to the folks at Travesty Films for including the above bon mots on their hilarious book-on-tape Cheap Stories, which featured the best parts of the worst novels of the '40s, '50s, and '60s, read to the accompaniment of "smokey bongo jazz."

Big Sounds
Speaking of sounds, a number of thought-provoking songs have been written about or mentioned female breasts, from the Biblical "Song of Solomon" ("I am a wall and my breasts are like towers") to The Fugs' "Boobs A Lot" - and, unfortunately, virtually every hip-hop song - but one of my faves remains Durwood Douche's "I Can't Keep My Mits Off Your Tits." (Durwood Douche is actually the faux Deutsche name of the late great L.A. jazz pianist Dick Shreve. He put out a German label CD called Big Banned & Blue, but you can also find an mp3 of the titty ditty on Clay's Oddities Wav Page.)

Big Sights
Of course, as a film geek, mammaries have always impacted my memories. It's the big ones that stick out, naturally. (It's the way of the world - we all remember Wilt Chamberlain, Shaq and Yao Ming but who among us remembers little Spud Webb?) Even before I knew who they were, European screen sirens like Brigitte Bardot, Sophia Loren, Claudia Cardinale, and Gina Lollabrigida were part of my adolescent consciousness because they were so open about their upper torsos. Being a Mini Cooper guy in a Hummer world, I always preferred petiteness to zaftig, Audrey Hepburn to Marilyn Monroe, so I almost felt sorry for these Euro gals' girth, thinking they ate too much spaghetti and cheese. And the big-busted American film actresses I just found plain vulgar, like tail fins on a cadillac, though I did like the classic Jayne Mansfield milk bottles scene from The Girl Can't Help It, in which director Frank Tashlin seemed to nail Hollywood's infantile, boorish obsession with big breast jokes. Anyway, here's my list of notable film busts that "stand out" in my mind for one reason or another (usually for their Fellini-esque grotesqueness):

• Amacord - Fellini's late masterpiece stands out for the iconic poster of the middle-aged momma mia, a reference to the film's buxom beautician Gradisca.


• Chesty Morgan, star of Doris Wishman's Deadly Weapons and Double Agent 73, for having breasts so big (73-inches!) they looked like they were intended to breast-feed a hippo. In Deadly Weapons she introduced the concept of breasts as something that could bludgeon a man to death.
  In Double Agent 73, the plot revolved around her having a spy camera embedded in her bosom, giving rise to the classic tagline, "Watch out for the booby traps...they're loaded!" With breasts so freakish, it was natural that she end up in a Fellini film, and she did (albeit uncredited) in 1976's Fellini's Cassanova.


• Raquel Welch in 1966's One Million Years B.C.. As a scantily-clad cavewoman, this role defined both her acting and her aesthetic appeal: primitive.


• All Russ Meyer films. The women's breasts in these films actually scared me, because, like Godzilla, they were MONSTROUS! However, I recall being impressed by the presence of Raven de la Croix in Up!, Kitten Navidivad in Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens, and Ushi Digard in Super Vixens (though my fondest memory of her remains a cameo in the 1971 alien-horror-sex flick The Toy Box, in which Ushi made love to an inanimate bed that suddenly came alive!). Ironically, Russ became a total boob late in life when he developed Alzheimer's disease.


• All Benny Hill episodes. Sometimes on the late-night broadcasts, I could swear you'd see a real breast pop out when King Leer was chasing Sue Upton or some other buxotic actress/model around. Benny made sure his medium was the boob tube.


• The Blue Max. All I remember from this widescreen epic about WWI fighter pilots is the sex scene between George Peppard and Countess Kaeti von Klugermann. It was 1966, I was 9, and I was blown away by the bare, anamorphic top-heavy torso of Ursula Andress. The only comparable feeling was the epiphany I had upon first seeing Julie Newmar's derriere tightly packed into Catwoman's black leather catsuit on TV's Batman. Strange stirrings, indeed!


• Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Breasts truly become Deadly Weapons when the femme bots unleash machine-guns from their titanium tit turrets.


• Metropolis. And speaking of femme bots, how about bot babes Old School Style, circa Fritz Lang's 1927 silent classic in which Maria, and the world, gets turned on? As Iris Barry put it, "The clothing of a robot in human flesh provides as great a thrill as anyone could wish."


• Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask). Woody Allen's 1972 comedy took Hollywood's obsession with big boobs to the max as a frightened couple are chased by a giant breast on loose. And just when you think it's over, he warns us that these things "usually travel in pairs." I'm sure this scene traumatized me for many years's to come.

Big List
Finally, no reference would be complete without mentioning drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs' "Canonical Hooter List," the world's most complete list of synonyms for the female breast. If you've got one that's not listed here, please feel free to comment and I'll add it! Should the link above not work, here is the list reprinted in its entirety:

JOE BOB'S CANONICAL "HOOTER" LIST, A Thru Z

A
A-B-Cs
Abbott and Costello
Airbags
Alaskas
All Day Suckers
Alpha Betas
Alps
Amazons
Ample Supply
Amortisseurs (shock absorbers)
An Bord Bainne (Irish-language; literally, "The Milk Board", The organisation
which oversees the dairy industry in Ireland)
Angel Cakes
Annette Funicellos
Ant Bites
Appalachians
Apple Dumpling Shops
Apples
Arthritis
Artichokes
Assets
Atom Smashers
Attic
Aurorae Australis
Avant-postes (Outposts)
Avant-scenes (Apron - of stage)
Avanteges -Advantages
Avocados
Awning
B
B-52's
Babaloos
Backbreakers
Baby Baits
Baby Feeders
Baby's Best Friend
Baby's Dinners
Baby's Public House
Babylons
Back Rubbers
Bag O' Groceries
Baggies
Baggos
Bags
Bagungas
Bait and Lure
Balboas
Balcon - Balcony
Balloons
Baloobas
Banana Squeezers
Bangers
Bangles
Banzis
Baps
Barbeaus
Barnacles
Barnes and Noble
Basketballs
Bassoons
Batons
Baubles
Bazongas
Bazonkers
Bazookas
Bazoomas
Bazooms
Bazoombas
Beacons
Beanbags
Beautiful Eyes
Bebops
Bedtime Beach Balls
Beestings
Begonias
Bejonkers
Ben and Jerry
Bert and Ernie
Berthas
Best Friends
Betty Boops
Bettys
BiBs (bigger is better!)
Big Bazooties
Big Berthasa
Big Boppers
Big Brown Eyes
Big Foot Radials
Big Sacks of Jugs
Bigguns
Bikini Stuffers
Billibongs
Bio Domes
Biscuits
Bits Of Tid
Bizcochos
BJ & the Bear
Blenders
Blimps
Blinkers
Blockbusters
Blouse Bunnies
Blue Ridges
Bob & Doug
Bob & Ray
Bob & Tom
Bobolas
Bobos
Bodacious Ta-Tas
Boingos
Boites-a-Lait (Milk Bottles)
Bolshy Groodies
Bombastic Mams
Bombers
Bombshells
Bonbons
Bongos
Bonkers
Bonnie and Clyde
Boobage
Boobalicious
Boobers
Boobies
Boobs
Bookends
Bookrests
Boomers
Boom-Boom Rockets
Boons
Boops
Boosters
Bosom Buddies
Bosoms
Boston Wobbelers, The
Bottle
Boulderados
Boulders
Bouncers
Bouncing Beauties
Bouncing Bettys
Boy Bait
Bozos
The Boys
Bra Buddies
Bra Busters
Bra Fight
Bra Stuffers
Brad Pitts
Brail for "Suck me"
Brain Busters
Braunsteins
Breakfast Tray
Breast Friends
Breastages
Breastaurant, The
Breasteses
Breastest Friends
Breasticles
Breasts
Breed Winners
Brisket
Bristol Cities
Bristols
BRitney's Assets (BRAs)
Bronskis
Brown Speckled Pups
Brownies
Brustwarzes
Bubbas
Bubbies
Bubble Cups
Buckets
Buds
Bugs
Bulbs
Bulges
Bullets
Bumper Cars
Bumper Guards
Bumpers
Bumps
Bumps In The Night
Buoys
Bushell-Bubbies
Bust
Busters
Busties
Butter Bags
Butterballs
Buttons
C
Caboodles
Cachongas
Cadillac Bumpers
Cafe La Mama
Calabazas
Cams
Cannisters
Cannon Balls
Cannons
Cans
Cantaloupes
Capitol Domes
Car Waxers
Carachas
Cargo
Caricatures
Carumbas
Casaba Melons
Casabas
Castinets
Castles in the Air
Cat Heads
Cha-Chas
Chachabingos
Chalky Cliffs
Chalupas
Charlie's Angels
Charlies
Chaw
Cheek Warmers
Cherry Cakes
Cherry Caps
Chest Hams
Chest Meat
Chest Ornaments
Chesterfields
Chesticles
Chestnuts
Chet-Flasted
Chi-Chi's
Chickadees
Chickaroonies
Chihuahuas
Chimichangas
Chimpanzees
Chiquitas
Chock Blocks
Chockey-nips
Choochoos
Chombalonies
Chubs
Chumbawumbas
Chungas
Chopons
Cinch Sacks
Circus Tents
Claire-de-Lunes
Clams
Cleft Udders
Coconuts
Cold Weather Indicators
Combreastables
Commode Cloggers
Concitas
Cones
Congas
Conundrums
Corkers
Countess and The Lady
Cowabungas
Coxcombs
Creamers
Cream Pies
Creampuffs
Cruise Missles
Cubs
Cuddly Dudes
Cuhuangas
Cupcakes
Cup-Runneth-Over Cups
Curves
Cushions
D
Da-Das
Dactylic Delights
Dagmars
Dairy
Dairy Makers
Dairy Pillows
Dandies
Danglers
Dangling Participles
Danny Devitos
Davey & Goliath
David Duchovneys
Dead Heat in a Zepplin Race
Demigods
Dennis DeYoungs
Desperados
Dessert
Deux Oeufs Sur La Plat
Devil's Dumplings
Diddies
Ding Dongs
Dingers
Dinghies
Dinglebobbers
Dingos
Dinners
Dirigibles
Dirty Pillows
Distributor Caps
Dolly Partons
Domes
Donkey's Ears
Doodads
Doorbells
Doorknobs
Doozers
Doozies
Dopplegangers
Double Dribbles
Double Ds
Double Trouble
Double Whammies
Doudounes
Doughboys
Droopers
Dual Air Bags
Dual Floppies
Duckies
Duece And A Halves
Dueling Banjos
Dugs
Du monde au balcon (French; size-dependant; ; literally, "to have the world on one's balcony")
Dum Dums
Dumbells
Dumplins
Dunes
Durante's
The Dutch Alps
Dynamic Duo
Dynamite
E
Earmuffs
Eartha Kitts
Eclairs
Eggplants
Eggs
Egos
Eigers
Eisenhowers
El Primo Torpedos
Elephants
Ellby and Arb
Emerson Bigguns
Emmersomes
Empress and the Queen
Enchiladas
Epcots
Epees
Eric and Lyle
Ericas
Everest and Kilimanjaro
Ewers
Exegeses
Explosives
Eyes
F
Fahrphegnuggens
Fahrvergnugens
Feedbags
First Base
Flapjacks
Flappers
Flat Plains
Flesh Bulbs
Flesh Fillets
Flesh Fujis
Flesh Melons
Floaters
Floats
Flopdoodles
Floppers
Flotation Devices
Flotteurs - Floaters
Flowers of Attitude
Fly Swatters
Fly Tetas
Fog Lights
Footlights
Fred and Ethyl
Fried Eggs
Friends
Front Bum
Front Porch
Frontal Elevation
Frontal Female Water Wings
Frosties
Frybabies
Fujiyamas
Fun Bags
Fun Domes
Funnel Cakes
G
Gagas
Gajoombas
Garbage Bags
Garbonzas
Garbos
Gazingas
Gazelles
Gazongas
Gazoombas
Geminis
Genaustahagens
George and Gracie
Geraldos
The Girls
Girlie Bumpers
Girlthangs
Glad Bags
The Gland Canyon
Glands
Glandular Endowments
Glass Cutters
Globelets
Globes
Glockenspeils
Gnugens
Gob Stoppers
God's Greatest Creation
God's Milk Bottles
Godzillas
Golden Bozos
Golden Domes
Gongas
Goobers
Good Bits
Goodies
Goodyears
Goombas
Goonas
Grab-Ems
Grand Jeans (French)
Grand Tetons
Grapefruits
Gravity Magnets
Great Galloping Galoogies
Great Wobblin' Wazoobies
Grillwork
Groodies
Groupies
Guavas
Gubiczas
Gumballs
Gumdrops
Gunboats
The Guys
H
Hakuna Mutatas
Hallelujahs
Hammocks For Two
Handfuls
Handle Bars
Handholds
Handsets
Hand Warmers
Hangers
Hanging Cucumbers
Happy Bags
Happy Pillows
Hat Hangers
Headbangers
Headers
Head Lamps
Headlights
Headphones
Headsets
Heavers
Heavy Duty Honeydews
Hefties
Heifers
Helicopters
Hematomas
Hemispheres
Hercules and Achilles
Hershey Kisses
High Beams
High Pockets
High-Rise Weather Balloons
Hills
Hindenburgs
Hinderbinders
Hippos
Ho Hos
Hobey J's
Hogans
Holmes & Watson
Home Sweet Home
Honey Dews
Honkers
Honorarium
Hood Ornaments
Hoohas
Hoosiers
Hooters
Hoovers
Hoppy and Bob
Horns
Horrorshow Bolshy Groodies
Hot Air Balloons
Hot Commodities
Hotcakes
Hottentots
Hounds, The
House of Lords
How's Your Father's
Howitzers
Howlers
Hubba Bubbas
Hubcaps
Huffies
Hug Bumps
Huge Maguffies
Huggy Bears
Hugh Jooters
Human Tetherballs
Humdingers
Humonganoids
Humpin' Hooters
Hurricane Lanterns
Hush Puppies
Hypnotizers
I
ICBMs
Ice Caps
Ice Cubes
Idahos
Igloos
Il y a du beau monde (said of a genreously endowed woman - literally "there are a lot of people there")
Implants
Inflatables
Ios
Ipsedixits
Isaac Newtons
Itty Bits
Itty Bitty Titties
I-Want-Thems
J
Jackanapes
Jaggers
Jahoobies
Jambalayas
Janet Jacksons
Jawbreakers
Jelly Bells
Jemimas
Jerry-Bilts
Jersey Cities
Jets
Jibs
Jigglies
Jigglers
Jiggly Wigglies
Jobbers
John And Paul
Jordans
Jubblies
Juggernauts
Juggies
Jugglies
Jugs
Jukes
Jumblies
Jumbo Chickpeas
Jumbos
K
K-12 & Everest
Kabombas
Kabukis
Kagemushas
Kajoobies
Kalamazoos
Kanchenjungas
Karl Marx and Joseph Stalin
Kawangas
Kayaks
Kazongas
Kazoos
Keepers
Kettle Drums
Kiwis
Knicknacks
Knobbers
Knobs
Knockers
Kongas
Kukla, Fran, and Ollie
Kumquats
L
La Breas
Lactating lungs
Lactic Lobes
Lacto Grenades
Lactoids
Lampoons
Launch Codes
Laurel and Hardy
Lean-To's
Lemons
Lethal Weapons
Leverage
Lewinskis
Lewis and Witties
Lightbulbs
Lindas
Lip Fodder
Little Duckies
Llamas
Load Stones
Loaves
Loaves fo love
Loblollies
Locklears
Long Range Tanks
Lollies
Lollipops
Lollos
Lookers
Lost Sheep
Love Handles
Love Jugs
Love Lumps
Love Melons
Love Muffins
Lovlies
Low Riders
Lucky Charms
Lug 'Ems
Lulas
Lulus
Lung Covers
Lung Hammers
Lung Nuts
Lungwarts
Luscious Lip-smackers
M
Macaroos
Mackerels
Madonnas
Magnates
Magnets
Magnificent Pontoons of Love
Magookins
Maguppies
Maharanis
Mahatmas
Majestic Mountains
Major Dongs
Major League Mammaries
Major Motion Picture Material
Male-Madness Inducers
Mamacitas
Mambazos
Mammalian Protruberances
Mammarambas
Mammaries
Mammary Lane
Mammies
Mams
Man Magnets
Man Puppets
Mangos
ManNIPulators
Mappemonde (those old fashioned maps showing two hemispheres)
Maracas
Marangos
Maraschinos
Margaritas
Marimbas
Marshmallows
Marx Brothers
Massage Pillows
Matching Headlights
Mau Maus
Mausers
Mazongas
McDLT's
McFloppities
Meatbags
Meatballs
Meat Loaves
Melon Patch
Melones
Melons
Mesmerizers
Mickey and Minnie
Mike and Ike
Milk Bags
Milk Bottles
Milk Cans
Milk Duds
Milk Fountains
Milk Jugs
Milk Makers
Milk Melons
Milk Shakes
Milk Towers
Milk Wagons
Milky Sacks of Calcium
Milky Moos
Minarets
Minesweepers
Minneapolis and St. Paul
Minnebagos
Missles
Mobutus
Mogambas
Mojuba's, The
Mole Hills
Mommas
Mondos
Moneymakers
Monroes
Montezumas
Moo Moos
Moogies
Moon Pies
Moonlight Sonatas
Mosobs
Mosquito Bites
Mother Loads
Mounds
Mounds of Jello
Moutain Peaks
Mountains
Mount Fujies
Mouthwatering Scoops Of Flesh
Moveable Feast
Muchachas
Muffins
Mulligans
Murphies
Mushmelons
Mutt and Jeff
N
Nancies
National Geographics
Nature's Founts
Nature's Little Thermometers
Naughty Bits
Nay-Nays
Nectarines
Neeners
Nenes
Nevernevers
Nibards
Niblets
Nibs
Nice Pair of thru'pennies
Nice Set Of Hands
Nice-uns
Nichons
Nin-Nins
Ninnies
Ninny Jugs
Ninth and Tenth Wonders of the World
Nippeloons
Nippelos
Nippers
Nipples
Nipple-Caddies
Nipple Sundaes
Nips
Nodes
Nodules
Noochies
Noogies
Norks
Northern Neon-Beamed Headlights
Nortons
Nose Cones
Nubbins
Nuclear Wareheads
Nukes
Num-Nums
O
Obelisks
Oblations
Oboes
Off-On Volume & the Channel Selector
Omigods
Oompas
Oppenheimers
Oracles
Oranges
Orbs
Ostrich Eggs
Ottomans
Overhang
Overstuffed Cushions
Overstuffed Pillows
Owls
P
Padding
Paducahs
Pagodas
Pair
Pair of Problems
Palms
Palookas
Pamelas
Pancakes
Papayas
Parabolas
Pare-chocs (bumpers)
Parrots
Part Numbers, The
Party Bags
Party Hats
Party Passes
Pastor Baiters
Pastries
Paw Patties
Peaches
Peacocks
Peakers
Peaks
Pears
Pebbles
Pects
Peepers
Pencil Erasers
Pendulums
Penis Pillows
Perkys
Perpetual Entertainment
Personal Flotation Devices
Pert and Perkies
Pete and Repeat
Pia Zadoras
Pick & Peck
Pies
Pike's Peaks
Pillows
Pimples
Ping Pings
Pink-nosed Puppies
Pinkies
Pinky & Perky
Pips
Pirate's Dream
Planetoids
Pleasant Eminences
Pleasure Mounds
Pleasure Peaks
Plentifuls
Plucktifuls
Plums
Pneumatic Bliss
Pods of Lust
Pointer Sisters
Pointers
Points
Pokers
Polygons
Pom Poms
Ponderosas
Pontoons
Poppinjays
Portable Typewriters
Potatoes
Presidential Pair
Pretty-Pretties
Pride And Joy
Professors
Proof That God Exists
Protuberances
PT Boats
Pumpkin Patch
Pumpkins
Pumps
Puppies
Pushmatahas
Push-Ups
Pyramids
Q
Quakers
Quantities
Quantum Heaps
Quasars
Quit-its
Quonset Huts
R
Rack
Rackage
Radar Domes
Radials
Ragtag and Bobtail
Raisins
Ralph Waldo Emersons
Rangoons
Raquels
Raspberry Ripples
Reasons To Live
Red Carpets
Rib Balloons
Rib Bumpers
Rib Cushions
Rib Flaps
Rivets
Roberts
Rockets
Rockies
Romans
Roploplos
Rosebuds
Rositas
Rotors
Rotundas Grandes
Roundabouts
Roundies
Roundtrippers
Ruby Reds
Rudolphs
Running Lights
S
Saggers
Saggies
Salamanders
Saline bags
The Saline Solutions
Salt & Pepper
Sams
Sandbags
Sapphos
Satellites
Schmeebs on those Nortons
Scones
Scoops
Scud Missles
Scylla & Charybdis
Searchlights
Set
Shabba-dos
Shakers
Shebas
Shelf
Shermans
Sherman Tanks
Shimmies
Shirt Potatoes
Shirt Stuffers
Shivarees
Shlobes
Shmozobs
Shock Absorbers
Shock And Awe
Shoe Buffers
Show Stoppers
Sierra Madres
Sigfried And Roy
Silicone Earmuffs
Silicone Sisters
Silicones
Silicone Suprise Supremes
Silos
Silver Stars
Sir Galahad and King Arthur
Skeeter Bites
Skeeter Chews
Skin Sacks
Ski Slopes to Heaven
Skooners
Slappers
Smart Set
Smith and Wesson
Smoothies
Smuggling Raisins
Snack Rack
Snorbs
Snow Cones
Snow Tires
Snowy Prominences
Snuggle Pups
Sockdollagers
Sopapillas
Space Aliens
Spark Plugs
Specials
Speed Bags
Speed Bumps
Spheres
Spic And Span
Splazoingas
Spongecakes
Spontaneous Combustibles
Spuds
Sqaushers
Squaw Valley
Squeeky Toys
Stacks
Stanley and Livingston
Stash in the Dash
Stocking Stuffers
Strap Hangers
Stratus-spheres
Stress Busters
Stripper's ATMs
Stuff
Stuffing
Stun Grenades
Sturgeons
Sucklebags
Sugar Cubes
Sugar Plums
Super Droopers
Supernauts
Sultanas
Sweater Bumpers
Sweater Kittens
Sweater Meat
Sweater Melons
Sweater Mittens
Sweater Puffs
Sweater Puppets
Sweater Puppies
Sweater Stuffers
Sweat Glands
Sweetrolls
T
Tahitis
Talents
Tallapoosas
Tamales
Tambourines
Tango & Cash
Tankers
Tartugas
Tassles
Tastykakes
Tatas
Tater Tots
Tats
Tatties
Tattlers
Teacups
Teatolas
Teats
Tee Pees
Teetees
Teeters
Tentacles
Terrible Twos
Terrible Twosome
Tetas
Tetons
Thangs
Thank Yous
Thelma And Louise
Thingamajigs
Thingamajugs
Thingies
Thousand Pities
Thwackers
Ticket Punchers
Ticket Sellers
Tidbits
Tiddly-Winks
Tig Bitties
Tig Ol' Bitties
Time Zones
Tippers
Tishomingos
Titbits
Tits
Titskis
Titter
Titties
TNT's
Tobacco Pouch
Tomatoes
Tom-Toms
Tom & Jerry
Tongue Depressors
Tongue Twisters
Tonsils
Toolbags
Tooters
Tootsie Pops
Top Bollocks (or Top Bollox)
Tora Boras
Torpedoes
Tortillas
Tortugas
Totos
Totties
Towers
Towering Twin Peaks
Town and Cities
Tracts of Land
Tribbles
Turaluras
Twangers
Tweakers
Tweedledee & Tweedledum
Tweekers
Twin Cities
Twin Peaks
The Twins
Two Eggs, Sunny Side Up
Two Puppies in a Burlap Bag
Twofers
Tympanies
Type 2s
U
Uberalles
U-Boats
Udders
Uhurus
Umbrellas
Umlauts
Upper Karoos
Upper Ten
USDAs
Utopia
V
Van Dorens
Victrolas
Volcanoes
Volksvanins
Volumes
Volvos
Voos
W
Wa-wa pedals
Wahwahs
Waldos
Wallace & Grommit
Wally and the Beav
Wally Wispoppers
Walters
Wanna Bs
Warheads
Warts
Water Balloons
Watermelons
Weapons
Wedding Tackle
Whammers
Whapoons
Whatchacallems
Whim Whams
White Rabbits
Whole and 2%
Whoopies
Whoppers
Wibbly Wobbly Wonders
Widebodies
Wigglers
Wigwams
Willie & Waylon
Wilsons
Windbags
Windjammers
Windmills
Windshield Wipers
Winnebagos
Wipers
Wobblers
Womanhood
Wonder Twins
Wonderments
Wongas
Wonkas
Woodymakers
Woofers
Wookies
Wopbopaloobops
Workbench
World Trade Centers
Wows
Wreaths
X
Xenoliths
X-Rateds
X-Ray Glasses
Xylophones
Y
Yabbos
Yabos
Yahoos
Yams
Yayas
Yazoos
Yeast Dough
Ying Yangs
Yippie & Yahoo
Yippies
Yolandas
Yomamas
Yowsers
Yubees
Yum-Yums
Yummies
Yugos
Z
Z-bras
Zagger & Evans
Zeppelins
Ziggurats
Ziggys
Zingers
Zippys
Zoom Zooms
Zoombas
Zoomers
Zwiebacks
ZZ Tops





Related link:
Animated Boobs