Lesson 120 ~The I Don't Knows of First~

It’s like my first time all over again but we both know the truth about that don’t we; anyway I guess congratulations are in order, I got a job working at Kohl’s and it’s as if this is the first time I have ever done anything for myself or to myself. I must admit it feels different not being second or last, don’t get me wrong I’m still a loser but it’s scary finally having to chart my own course through life.

Luna I have dreamed of having some sort of power over my existence but how do they say, with great power comes great responsibility; that’s what it is being the “Hero” instead of the villain… how I want to be the villain. Another way of looking at it is that I just got a few more bosses, at least theses bosses are paying me in something other than the want for my own self destruction; hell they gave me my life back. Sure I’m still hurting, I’m not who I think I should be but it all comes back to The Abomination; if I was able to eek out an existence with such a thing then Kohl’s is a paradise.

Which way is up, I was just thinking that, on one hand I was going to say I was always looking up at who was first, on the other I look down and I still see me; maybe I’m just looking straight ahead now. Something else we both know the truth about but I lie and say I’m “Still Unbroken” if anything I’m not dead yet and I’m finally standing on my feet. Why should I be afraid to do this Luna… you know what happens when the oppressed go to raise their heads and yet I fear the mere act of doing so?

So what have I learned today… that going somewhere means leaving elsewhere and it sucks, it’s scary, but I’m hoping where we’re going is better that where we’ve been; my “Blaze of Glory” will just have to wait. My final thought, I want more but when I finally make it wherever, what will I see when I’m finally not the one who’s down, The I Don’t Knows of First.

LATE

The I Don't Knows of First

Where do we go… from here?
What do I mean we?
There’s only me
Who I want to be
And the fear
You sneer
The sky’s the limit
But I’ve never been in it
To win is a sin
Do I want to be here?

Or there
Having to look up
Not being so tough
Trying, not hard enough
Was I scared?
Too often told, “Beware”
One plus one is two
Me and you
But I have to lose
Would you still care?

If I wasn’t number one
This face
Another race
What a waste
Because when it’s done
Maybe better if I hadn’t run
In the end
As it always has been
The end
Does it matter if I’m not number one?

Such is my thirst
My fear of loving you, my curse
The I don’t knows of first

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 119 ~Drowning In Because~

Saturday, August 21, 2011



Hey Lady Lu...

Maybe I should be more concerned with my upcoming suicide… didn’t work before so I have serious doubts about this time; so many excuses, so many past lives. When I started to think about the past seems the only regrets I have are about love, sex, and girls… one particular girl, Chrissy.



Luna you know I don’t want to die; it just seems the easiest solution because life is only going to get worse from here. I could give you a million reasons why I need to do this and a million excuses to why I will fuck it up… not enough pills, a toilet turned green, somehow I always thought death would be easier, Bella was wrong. The real questions are why can’t I die, why do I continue with even this moment, and why is “Everyday Exactly The Same”



I regret that I’m not good enough, not worthy of love, not a worthy enough lover, and that those who I have chosen to love want nothing to do with me. It’s not like I can do it all over or start again, wouldn’t it only be the same “Hurt” girls, jobs, and life? Such is my whole suicide idea, if I can’t reset the game, if I can’t play it, if I can’t win it, matter of fact it makes me sick, I might as well stop playing Lady Lu.



The waters are already above my head and yet I keep fighting; what have I learned today… that I make too many excuses and I wish someone would just kill me already. Maybe that’s why I wanted to be on “The Dr. Phil Show” you know that final death knell, that final gasp of air, Drowning In Because.



LATE



Drowning In Because



A pool too deep

Angels fly

But where will your feet

Lie



I’m drowning because

It’s you I seek

Drowning because of us



A lake too cold

You are my light, so warm

But you I could never hold

If I were never born



I’m drowning because

You, I’ll never know

Drowning because of us



A river too dirty

Corrupted, violated, muddy

You were naughty and flirty

And I wanted lusty and slutty



I’m drowning because

I was so nerdy

Drowning because of us



An ocean too blue

Or black or red

Filth made true

Unheard, unsung, unread



I’m drowning because

I thought you knew

Drowning because of us



A sea too perilous

Too say hello again

Of you, never enough

Your heart, your skin, and sin



I’m drowning because

You I still love

Drowning because of us



Such is my love

My history

The two of us

Such a misery

Drowning In Because



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 118 ~Goodbye Is My New High~

Sunday, August 14, 2011



Hey Lady Lu…

It could be that I’m just like everyone else, it could be the poem I wrote a few minutes, or maybe it’s the movie I just watched “Remember Me” but I have just come to a realization. You know what makes us better… death; all the pills, all the thrills, and everything else but if you’re looking for a cure to this life, death is the answer.



Luna you see the date right, okay doesn’t mean anything to me really but what I mean to say is it is getting close to September 11th and they have been talking about how everyone behaved in the aftermath. Any other time before this place is like an apocalyptic wasteland with every man for themselves but in the aftermath of the attack people began to give a damn about their fellow man, for awhile at least. Why does this only occur when massive death, why can’t I go outside right now and see Americans, hell people in general behave like they did then; fuck I sound like someone that works for Fox News.



It’s no secret how I feel about my own life… killing myself is the only way to fix me, dare I actually look myself in the mirror a say “And I will try to fix you” too late for that. Death is the thing that will bring us all together, it will make us all happy, and in the end it will make us all better people… and those bastards a lot richer. I hold no delusions Lady Lu that I will be forgiven, that I won’t be a “Bad Man” but I will be cured and exactly what The Abomination wants me to be; sad I know but I have known this all along; that I’m going to Hell.



So what have I learned today… haven’t I said it enough, goodbye fixes everything but only if it is of a very permanent nature and only for a time. My final thought Luna; I hate when pretty girls have to die but could I call this a type of happy ending, Goodbye Is My New High…



LATE



~Goodbye Is My New High~



Heads up and eyes high

Into the clouds, into the blue

And yet falling as if for a fallen angel

I am falling, have fallen, for you

But they all wonder why



Mouth agape, heaving, breathing, and speaking

To your back, your shadow, and your silhouette

My words are carried on the wind

The you you’re not, the one I can’t forget

Such volume; the crying and screaming



How many happy pills and forgotten thrills

To look up and see my betters

And love, yes love Big Brother

Acknowledging, you and I will never be together

Is this so far or very near?



Hotter and harder, straighter and higher

And I want to bury “it”

Deep and so down below

How I am truly sick

For you my one desire



But I will only ever rise a few feet

Never will I be one to fly

Or live truly free… but in death

Does anyone ask or cry

Where it is I now sleep



As high as I’ve ever been

I have only set out to go lower

Where you say and he says I belong

Never to fly, climb, or jump; only fall regardless

Why is this so very wrong?

To love you girl, never knowing your world

Such is my greatest sin



To look so very high

And I live even lower

Goodbye Is My New High



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 117 ~No One Goes There~

Sunday, August 07, 2011



Hey Lady Lu...

Again another day when I wanted to write about one thing and it took a turn for the worst; I suppose I can’t hide from myself which is ironically what I wanted to talk about. However today the lesson is on where we aren’t going which apparently looks like the future which in about thirty-one days means I’ll be twenty-seven.



Doesn’t that just disgust you Luna; I can’t hide from the truth and that simple truth is I really need to be dead before I turn… either twenty-seven or into what passes for a decent human being. Now to contradict myself I said no one goes there, as the lesson but I met this chick named Lola a few weeks ago… yeah she goes there. If we were all headed for… yeah I have no idea but if everyone would “Follow Me” well I doubt everything would be alright but it would be better; instead “Somebody’s Watching Me”



How many times have I prophesied my doom; yeah I’m still here but that bad luck can only last so long. Don’t give me those words of Hamlet, all I want is a very easy death, but it seems I’m a coward when it comes to the whole death thing but I’m growing bolder. Like the poem I wrote today I might as well start taking some steps in the right direction, like falling into an open grave.



What have I learned today… that what I’m doing is wrong and I can’t hide from that fact anymore but that very soon I will have to go there for real just “Like A Prayer” As for a final thought like one of my favorite books “Sabriel” “Does the Walker choose the Path, or the Path the Walker?”



LATE



~No One Goes There~



Where you gonna Turn

Which direction

Haven’t you learned?

Nothing but correction

Going round in circles



Left or right

By those that claim purple

Blinded by the light



Where you gonna Seek

Already there

What they say about the meek

Why should you care?

About a cure



The answer

It’s like cancer

Truth kills faster



Where you gonna Go

It’s a small world

Don’t you know?

So what if home were

Real



Monsters don’t confess

You know the deal

A life repossessed



Where you gonna Run

Can you even see?

In the setting sun

All you have is feet

And then you fall



Flat on your face

Do you bawl?

When the monsters taste



Where you gonna Hide

Nowhere

Because you’ll believe the lie

Are you scared?

You should be



Already lost

Not like me

Your soul the cost



Where you gonna go

Run or hide

No one knows

Or finds



No One Goes There



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.