My Heart's First Bind

The first time I saw you

Shakespeare, right

But it was the truth

Saw true beauty this night

Denied it but I knew

This was love at first sight



The first smile you ever gave me

Erased the long miles

Brought me thoughts of we

A day a month, awhile

How I thought quite possibly

Together we would smile



The first kiss was only blown

So many but one for me

And how such love was sown

I wanted us to be

Though my lips had never known

Only on the screen



The first night I wished forever

But only just a dream

Yet to be together

Would have given anything

I dreamed my life was better

If I could make you sing



The first I and thought the last

You and me to we

All that’s in the past

We could never be

My heart thrown in the trash

Nothing more to see



Firsts I wonder why

I knew it wouldn’t last

But why do I still cry

And I still love your ass



In love and yet forbidden

No you won’t be mine

To love you is a sin

A first, My Heart’s First Bind



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

The First Impressionist

The first impressionist

A guess

As to how I will be perceived

Me

What I am

And what lands

Against life’s canvas

But the truth is



The joker made joke

Because I choke

On any reason of mine

And become the punch line

My smile a tool

That makes me look like a fool

I am made jester

Laughter not treasured



The power… I cower

Neither now nor any hour

Do I rule or decide

I’m waiting on death to die

Thunderstruck

And I’m caught up

Being a slave

Everyday



The artist made picture

And I’m not any richer

A picture worth a thousand words

Millions meant nothing to the pretty girl

Siren’s song sung

I should have run

As for today

I’m not even part of the play



The player being played

Not making love or laid

Chivalrous

Yet Cupid missed

Nice guys finish last

Both good and bad

Which am I to be?

She never did see



The lover made other

Not man but beast, girls shudder

I’ve been in love, at least I think

As the song goes “love stinks”

And yet the funk

Makes me a punk

Because I can’t help myself

And so I want to be somebody else



An impressionist

A guess

As to what I should be

If more than me

Because the first impression

Is always the wrong direction

This impressionist

The truth is…



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

The I Don't Knows of First

Where do we go… from here?

What do I mean we?

There’s only me

Who I want to be

And the fear

You sneer

The sky’s the limit

But I’ve never been in it

To win is a sin

Do I want to be here?



Or there

Having to look up

Not being so tough

Trying, not hard enough

Was I scared?

Too often told, “Beware”

One plus one is two

Me and you

But I have to lose

Would you still care?



If I wasn’t number one

This face

Another race

What a waste

Because when it’s done

Maybe better if I hadn’t run

In the end

As it always has been

The end

Does it matter if I’m not number one?



Such is my thirst

My fear of loving you, my curse

The I don’t knows of first



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 120 ~The I Don't Knows of First~

It’s like my first time all over again but we both know the truth about that don’t we; anyway I guess congratulations are in order, I got a job working at Kohl’s and it’s as if this is the first time I have ever done anything for myself or to myself. I must admit it feels different not being second or last, don’t get me wrong I’m still a loser but it’s scary finally having to chart my own course through life.

Luna I have dreamed of having some sort of power over my existence but how do they say, with great power comes great responsibility; that’s what it is being the “Hero” instead of the villain… how I want to be the villain. Another way of looking at it is that I just got a few more bosses, at least theses bosses are paying me in something other than the want for my own self destruction; hell they gave me my life back. Sure I’m still hurting, I’m not who I think I should be but it all comes back to The Abomination; if I was able to eek out an existence with such a thing then Kohl’s is a paradise.

Which way is up, I was just thinking that, on one hand I was going to say I was always looking up at who was first, on the other I look down and I still see me; maybe I’m just looking straight ahead now. Something else we both know the truth about but I lie and say I’m “Still Unbroken” if anything I’m not dead yet and I’m finally standing on my feet. Why should I be afraid to do this Luna… you know what happens when the oppressed go to raise their heads and yet I fear the mere act of doing so?

So what have I learned today… that going somewhere means leaving elsewhere and it sucks, it’s scary, but I’m hoping where we’re going is better that where we’ve been; my “Blaze of Glory” will just have to wait. My final thought, I want more but when I finally make it wherever, what will I see when I’m finally not the one who’s down, The I Don’t Knows of First.

LATE

The I Don't Knows of First

Where do we go… from here?
What do I mean we?
There’s only me
Who I want to be
And the fear
You sneer
The sky’s the limit
But I’ve never been in it
To win is a sin
Do I want to be here?

Or there
Having to look up
Not being so tough
Trying, not hard enough
Was I scared?
Too often told, “Beware”
One plus one is two
Me and you
But I have to lose
Would you still care?

If I wasn’t number one
This face
Another race
What a waste
Because when it’s done
Maybe better if I hadn’t run
In the end
As it always has been
The end
Does it matter if I’m not number one?

Such is my thirst
My fear of loving you, my curse
The I don’t knows of first

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

A Baring Absence of Love

I’m not absent of feeling, I am absent of the want to feel because all you ever make me feel is pain and everyone sees it. A Baring Absence of Love… I want to see you bare, exposed, and naked as I have been; a show of love or at least I won’t be fooled.



~A Baring Absence of Love~

Take Me... Well

What are things I wanted you to say to me, back when I had more balls than brains; and all of me was dreaming. Take Me… Well; where is that lovers go… I wouldn’t know the first thing except that I wanted you to be my… well does it even matter anymore?



~Take Me... Well~

Just A Teddy On The Floor

I sat there, I let you, and I would do so again, be your toy fall in love with you again… as if I ever stopped. Just A Teddy On The Floor… my gift, I’m waiting for you but if I remember we never ever played before Sweetness, didn’t need me then or now.



~Just A Teddy On The Floor~

Sea of Electrons, An Air

No web cams, not streaming and it wasn’t even the day to day… for you but I treated this love as if you were right here with me. Sea of Electrons, An Air… I wonder how you were that day for me, it was as if I couldn’t breathe, no air, no air.



~Sea of Electrons, An Air~

Checkered Past

My background, my past, and the present; everyone wonders why I have no future or they don’t care to wonder. Checkered Past… does it matter black or white, in living color; what I am is what I am and that is exactly what you don’t want ever.



~Checkered Past~

Drowning In Because

Reasons, Excuses, and because; telling me why you don’t love me is as easy breathing and that is something that is getting harder and harder for me to do. Drowning In Because… my head is barely above water, my fault for still hearing anything.



~Drowning In Because~

Sea of Electrons, An Air

An air of pretty, was she

Dressed up, done up

Maybe in her pajamas

Her beauty wasn’t for me

Neither was her love

I was so dumb

Can’t breathe



An air of music, did she sing?

Her siren’s song

A love gone wrong

What she said to me

Be gone

It wasn’t so long

Can’t breathe



An air of feeling, where her fingers led

How I dreamed up her thighs

A keyboard saying, I wasn’t her guy

As if I was a monster like Fred

Why didn’t I die?

Did she lie?

Can’t breathe



An air of color, did her skin betray?

A blush of red

What we had said

Year and a half and then today

Not a shade led

Back to bed

Can’t breathe



An air of breath, how did she find, that final line?

Was it a sob?

Just told me to stop

And I said fine

A whole lot

What she wanted I was not

Can’t breathe



For there was not an air

Of love

Or lust

Just air

Not a must

And too much

Can’t breathe



In this sea of electrons



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Checkered Past

Jumped and thumped

Bumped and dumped

Across this board called life

Why must I fight



A game I don’t want to play

Anyway

But here I am today



With dreams to be king

Isn’t that the thing

A dream to win

I do but sin



And am made false

At such cost

Waiting for that final loss



Checked again and again

Where do I begin

To leave such a predicament

Confidence?



When I am surrounded

Astounded

Yet bounded



To head to the other side

Try and survive

This board

A want to be more



Than a drama queen

A king

I want to be…



Oh checkmate

I am far too late

Because of what is true

And what I was made into



That’s my ass

At last

My future is my Checkered Past



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Drowning In Because

A pool too deep

Angels fly

But where will your feet

Lie



I’m drowning because

It’s you I seek

Drowning because of us



A lake too cold

You are my light, so warm

But you I could never hold

If I were never born



I’m drowning because

You, I’ll never know

Drowning because of us



A river too dirty

Corrupted, violated, muddy

You were naughty and flirty

And I wanted lusty and slutty



I’m drowning because

I was so nerdy

Drowning because of us



An ocean too blue

Or black or red

Filth made true

Unheard, unsung, unread



I’m drowning because

I thought you knew

Drowning because of us



A sea too perilous

Too say hello again

Of you, never enough

Your heart, your skin, and sin



I’m drowning because

You I still love

Drowning because of us



Such is my love

My history

The two of us

Such a misery

Drowning In Because



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 119 ~Drowning In Because~

Saturday, August 21, 2011



Hey Lady Lu...

Maybe I should be more concerned with my upcoming suicide… didn’t work before so I have serious doubts about this time; so many excuses, so many past lives. When I started to think about the past seems the only regrets I have are about love, sex, and girls… one particular girl, Chrissy.



Luna you know I don’t want to die; it just seems the easiest solution because life is only going to get worse from here. I could give you a million reasons why I need to do this and a million excuses to why I will fuck it up… not enough pills, a toilet turned green, somehow I always thought death would be easier, Bella was wrong. The real questions are why can’t I die, why do I continue with even this moment, and why is “Everyday Exactly The Same”



I regret that I’m not good enough, not worthy of love, not a worthy enough lover, and that those who I have chosen to love want nothing to do with me. It’s not like I can do it all over or start again, wouldn’t it only be the same “Hurt” girls, jobs, and life? Such is my whole suicide idea, if I can’t reset the game, if I can’t play it, if I can’t win it, matter of fact it makes me sick, I might as well stop playing Lady Lu.



The waters are already above my head and yet I keep fighting; what have I learned today… that I make too many excuses and I wish someone would just kill me already. Maybe that’s why I wanted to be on “The Dr. Phil Show” you know that final death knell, that final gasp of air, Drowning In Because.



LATE



Drowning In Because



A pool too deep

Angels fly

But where will your feet

Lie



I’m drowning because

It’s you I seek

Drowning because of us



A lake too cold

You are my light, so warm

But you I could never hold

If I were never born



I’m drowning because

You, I’ll never know

Drowning because of us



A river too dirty

Corrupted, violated, muddy

You were naughty and flirty

And I wanted lusty and slutty



I’m drowning because

I was so nerdy

Drowning because of us



An ocean too blue

Or black or red

Filth made true

Unheard, unsung, unread



I’m drowning because

I thought you knew

Drowning because of us



A sea too perilous

Too say hello again

Of you, never enough

Your heart, your skin, and sin



I’m drowning because

You I still love

Drowning because of us



Such is my love

My history

The two of us

Such a misery

Drowning In Because



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

A Baring Absence of Love

To see it all

As I lie

Cry

And wonder why

You won’t fall



Across greenest grass

Money and power

Sunlit hours

Colorful flowers

Dirty without class

Muddy and ugly

Hug and snuggly

Will you still love me?

Or will you pass

Baring no love



Across rivers run

Tears and fears

Cheers and jeers

All the years

Waters and sun

Old and new

Will you be true?

Bare and nude

Or won’t be the one

Baring no love



Across blowing winds

Rumors and words

Other girls

This whole damn world

Above my sin

Will you fly so high?

And not lie

Never say goodbye

Or will you sin

Baring no love



It is not enough

To think so

Live with no

And be so low

While you bare no love



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Orange You Glad

I’ve never been one for fruit and I’ve been one for girls but the fruit is ripe but am I boyfriend ready; perhaps not, perhaps I never will be. Orange You Glad… you’ll never be my girlfriend or maybe you’re just looking for a bite, ouch.



~Orange You Glad~

Dollars, Words, Me... Can't Buy Me Love

I can’t buy your love, hers, or hers, so what is it I’m really paying for, what is it that I wish to take. Dollars, Words, Me… Can’t Buy Me Love; I need so very little and now I want so much and in the end, as always you will give me nothing.



~Dollars, Words, Me... Can't Buy Me Love~

Are You... Just A Girl

I’ll fall in love with you and then you’ll become something better, something greater, and I’ll find myself unworthy of your love. Are You… Just A Girl; no never and this is the reason you’ll never love me, no not ever.



~Are You... Just A Girl~

Looking Dim

My birthday is coming up; no better day to kill myself but I’ve been trying, multiple pill binges, starving myself, and The Abomination won’t murder me though he wants to. Looking Dim… so many candles now and yet my future is in darkness.



~Looking Dim~

Aloft My Love

I have placed girls on pedestals, on clouds of white, and even as stars in the sky; this is no different the fact she is so high above me. Aloft My Love… we never got to “hang” out but why is it I still adore her and reach out.



~Aloft My Love~