Fun With Terms and Conditions

Where is yours truly, Oruba Stone? In reality, no one's asking that. I've been semi-regularly posting Porn Star Haiku so I haven't been hearing readers questioning my whereabouts. But truth is, I have been away.

I have been backpacking Southern Asia for a few months now, half of it with my then-girlfriend and half without my girlfriend but not exactly alone either (The Stones said if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.)

As things are, this is longest period I've gone without constant porn. What wonders steady sex and inconsistent wifi access can do for a man!

But that for now has come to an end. I've been sitting in this hotel in Mumbai waiting to catch my flight back home tomorrow. This is the first time in a long time I've been alone in a room with locked doors and broadband access. You can see where this has led.

My latest porn binge has led me to the doorstep of Claudia-Marie's site. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this blond beauty, she's bubbly, curvy, and an absolute delight to watch.

But before I entered, I did something I don't remember doing since I was 15. I read the terms and conditions for entry. You know, the legalese saying you're old enough and not uptight. Claudia-Marie's terms and condition includes this precious sentence:

Claudia-Marie, all models, black white and other race actors, actresses and other persons that appear in any visual depiction of actual bigtit ClaudiaMarie sexual conduct appearing or otherwise contained in this adult site were over the age of eighteen years at the time of the creation of such depictions.

Standard statement for 2257 purposes saying that the models are legal. But why list the races of the actors? Or comment on Claudia-Marie's boobage? Strange, right?

I wonder who else is having fun with these.

Over at Blacks on Blondes, this topped a very tightly written T & C:

This site contains interracial sex and interracial porn. Dogfart specializes in big black cocks, interracial xxx videos, creampies, cuckold sex and amateur porn movies. Up ahead is nothing but white sluts and cheating wives with big tits and tight white pussy. Huge black dicks shooting creampies internal cumshots all over naked white teens who love huge black cocks.

This classic from Big Tits at School made me laugh:

The videos and images in this brazzers site are intended to be used by responsible adults as sexual aids, to provide sexual education and to provide sexual entertainment.

Meat Melons has a clause that makes you pause:

I hereby swear, certify, and affirm . . . am not under the influence of any drugs, or mind altering substances or mechanism, natural or otherwise, nor is your [sic] judgement impaired by any mental illness, deficiency, or infirmity;

I'm sure a more thorough search will turn up more odd/hilarious disclaimers. I'll be sure to post them as they pop up.

Ms. Tease

Warning: this holy grail is very much Ugly Girl Porn. Watch out if you're not ready. Worse yet, it's from Exploited Moms, a site with its fair share of rough-looking women. I suspect this is a holy grail only because it's hard to find. What is it that economists say, scarcity creates value?

Ms. Tease, God bless her. I'm not quite sure what I see in her but she grows more attractive with every failed attempt to score her full vid. I've logged hours trying (imagine that!) but with no luck. I've even considered actually paying for a membership. But then I heard that her video isn't even on the member's site, even though it's advertised. Talk about running a tight shift. Heard that from a guy who more obsessed with Ms. Tease than I am. It's great not to be alone.

I did after some trouble manage to download her trailer. That keeps the passions at bay for a little while. When that stops working I'll watch a scene Kaci Starr did with Blacks on Blondes. It's a bit eerie but she looks like she could be Ms. Tease's daughter. The hair and makeup are the same right down to the eye shadow and their bodies are the same basic shape except of course Kaci Starr is more petite, way cuter, and less sloppy.

I imagine there's an alternate universe out there where everything about my life is the same, except one thing. In this parallel world, I'd been trying like hell for months and months to get a hold of the Kaci Starr scene but instead had to settle for butt ugly Ms. Tease. And in this universe, all is right with the world. The Sexual Revolution never fizzled because there's no such thing as AIDS. No one voted for the dumb rich kid even once. It doesn't cost anything to go to college. And war is abolished. All disputes are settled with breakdance battles. Yes, a truly perfect world.