Comcastic, Rhymes with Bombastic

COMCAST-ING ASPERSIONS

Fuck Comcast Cablevision, those greedy capitalistic corporate whore-mongers who put the COM in imCOMpetent.

"I'm a Big Boy, Johnny!"
Apparently all the obscene profits Comcast makes by overcharging subscribers for poor reception and execrable service go into feeding spielsperson Cal Ripken, Jr., who is starting to look more and more like Swedish wrestler/cult movie star Tor Johnson (Plan 9 From Outer Space, The Beast of Yucca Flats); no wonder Cal didn't miss playing ball for 2,131 games - it kept him in shape! Cal hawks the Comcast "Triple Play" of cable TV, Internet access and phone service; meanwhile, Comcast can't even get one thing right, like basic cable service, while it beats its chest boasting of its ambitious Triple Play prowess. I think "Triple Play" stands for - in the words Comsumerist.com blogger Ben Popken - "rude customer service, error-ridden billing, and botched cable installations."

Cal and Tor: Separated At Girth?
















I made the mistake of upgrading to Digital Cable with the Sports Pack simply to get the Fox Soccer Channel (with BBC America and the Tennis Channel thrown in for good measure, which sounded good to me). The upgrade was only $12 more a month, so I bit the bait.

I should have known better and realized that less is more. After all, I only watched two of the plethora of channels on Basic Cable anyway - MSNBC for Countdown with Keith Olbermann and Turner Classic Movies for all those great (and sometimes rare) commercial-free movies.

But now, 48 hours later, I still have no Digital Cable channels and, what's more, actually lost at least a dozen Basic Cable channels, including my beloved MSNBC! I should have seen it coming. To install my digital box, Comcast sent two subcontractors who talked like hosers Bob and Doug MacKenzie of The Great White North. Nice guys who worked their asses off to accommodate me, for sure, but Comcast put them through some unnecessary hoops.

First, Comcast had me signed up for HBO, necessitating the McKenzie brothers to climb the telephone pole and disconnect that scheduling snafu. Then, when my Digital Channels weren't coming through, the home office had them rewire my entire cable connection, laying down new cable. They were there for almost three hours and now 48 hours later, still nada on the Digital Cable Front. I'm through with these ninCOMpoops.

When not feeding Cal Jr., Comcast spends the remainder of its dough on all those "It's Comcastic" TV commercials. Well I have a great new commercial for Satellite TV - just film Comcast technicians trying to install digital service!