Marty Bass, Rhymes with Ass

You have to give it to Marty Bass for being consistent - consistently bad, that is. The Martifer, who 10 years ago was named "Best Reason Not To Watch WJZ-News" by the Baltimore City Paper, is still the single most offensive local news personality in existence. Whatever they're paying Don Scott to partner with him on the morning news show, it's not enough. As the City Paper so accurately hit the nail on the (balding) head: "No one else on local TV, or perhaps on the planet, is so unabashedly pleased with himself, and for no good reason."

But wait! There's more!

His loud and rambling weather reports serve only as vehicles to hog airtime, and afterward you don’t have a clue whether to take the umbrella or leave it home. Plus his hyper, “Look at me! Look at me!” performances on WJZ’s morning programs are a daily embarrassment (or oughta be) to the station and to Bass’ coanchor, the sedate Don Scott. At least the plug has been pulled on the nightly newscast’s inane “Mondo Basso” segments, which were anything but mondo and were full ofBass mugging for the camera. After two decades at WJZ, it doesn’t look as if Bass will be heading back to his native Texas any time soon, but we can always hope.

I've never liked Farty Ass (the handle by which his detractors call him), and it has nothing to do with his sleazy bust for soliciting oral sex from an undercover female cop in Patterson Park years ago. Heck, if I was that ugly, I'd be paying for it, too. (He was also charged with attempted assault on a police officer for allegedly coming close to running over the officer when he tried to flee the scene.)



It's not even for his deplorable linquistic defense of his lewd "undercover" foray into investigative journalism (Marty claimed his request for "your head" from the undercover cop was in fact a request to "get inside her head" for a news story on prostitution). Perhaps this nascent attempt at "Catchin' Ass" was the origin for his later WJZ-news segment, "Catchin' Bass."

No, I hate Marty Bass because he recently dissed soccer on air by telling Don Scott, who was talking about the 2006 World Cup, "I don't know how you can watch that game!"

It figures that Marty Bass isn't just repulsive physically and personality-wise, but also in his aesthetics. He's so ordinary. Is this the secret to his popularity with Baltimore's proletarians? (They love the Martifer in East Bawmer! The old White Trash East Baltimore, that is, not the new Hispanic East Baltimore, where the immigrant population rightly embraces The Beautiful Game Marty finds so boring.) One of Life's great mysteries, indeed.

Rome Is Burning...In Hell (with Marty)

And speaking of insufferable American TV personalities who like to bash The World's Game, this just in from the blog of Franklin Foer (How Soccer Explains the World):

Jim Rome has been the most vocal member of the anti-soccer yet to apologize for his misguided position. (That's because Jack Kemp has now admitted his erroroneous ways.) Rome, the Rush Limbaugh of sports radio, will proclaim things like, "My son is not playing soccer. I will hand him ice skates and a shimmering sequinded blouse before I hand him a soccer ball. Soccer is not a sport, does not need to be on my TV, and my son will not be playing it." That's why it's been particularly gratifying to read the crawl at the bottom of the ESPN screen to learn that "Jim Rome is Burning will not be seen today" due to the World Cup.

Best World Cup Blog: Deadspin
By the way, I came across a great sports blog called Deadspin ("Sports news without access, favor, or discretion") that has the best coverage I've seen of the 2006 World Cup, especially by David Hirshey. Unlike the rather bland reportage available on FIFA's official World Cup site, Deadspin is downright snarky. They speak the Truth - in plain (sometimes brutally blunt) words - about the sport, especially who hates whom (even among teammates) and which coaches are complete idiots (like Sven, Marco Van Basten, Bruce Arena, et. al.). Bonus: Deadspin also tends to find the best pics of the hottest babes at the World Cup (especially of the South American variety, as shown at right - go Brasil!)

Related Links:
Marty Bass - Best Reason Not to Watch WJZ-News (City Paper, 9/18/96)
Essex Man: Marty Bass (iamessexman blog)
Marty Bass - Wikipedia
Deadspin Sports Blog