Have You Heard the News?

Mouthing Off

Finally there's some good news in today's headlines. Finally there's something to cheer about. In the Maryland section of today's Baltimore Sun, this headline leapt off the page at me:

ORAL SEX JUMPS AMONG YOUNG
Study in city shows percentage more than doubled 1994 to 2004

The article stated:

Among males ages 12 to 25, the percentage who acknowledged having oral sex jumped from 16 percent to 32 percent over the decade, said Emily Erbelding, a co-author of the report and chief of clinical services in the Baltimore City Health Department's sexually transmitted disease program.

The rate among females of the same age jumped from 14 percent to 38 percent, she said.

The article went on to say experts believe oral sex's increased popularity may be due to the fact that it avoids unwanted pregnancies and carries a minimum risk of potentially deadly consequences in the age of HIV and AIDS. Well, yeah. Hello, no-brainer!

While the Bush administration pushes its agenda of abstinence, anti-sex ed, anti-contraception and anti-abortion against the Pro-Choice, pro-sex ed, pro-contraception camp, pro-personal freedom camp, we have a moral compromise engineered by today's frisky hormones-gone-wild teeming teens, carnal collegiates and post-grad cads. Oral sex. Everyone wins!

We have enough damned kids on this over-populated planet so I love any act of intimacy that rules them out. As the Church of Euthanasia's One Commandment proclaims: "Thou shalt not procreate!" Or as erstwhile Baltimorean Vermin Supreme once proclaimed, when running for President on a dental hygiene platform in 2004: "U.S. Out of My Mouth!" Mr. Supreme should resurrect this slogan for an oral sex platform next time 'round in 2008.

The oral sex news report also made me think back to to the East Coast Video Show in Atlantic City in October of 2001. In the wake of the previous month's September 11 attack on the Twin Towers, Bill Margold of the adult film industry's non-profit group Adult Entertainment Against Terrorism (hey, porn stars can be patriotic too!) sold t-shirts proclaiming the group's slogan, "We Blow People, We Don't Blow Them Up." (AEAT actually raised more than $2,500 for disaster relief during a fundraiser at the show - go 'hos!) I remember thinking what a great way to assert the good, life-affirming side of "decadent" Western Values against the life-taking hard line of the terrorists. Remember, without blowjobs and cunnilingus (clearly covered under "the pursuit of Happiness" section of our Constitution), the terrorists win.

So the next time some annoying Born Again stops you on the street with "Have you hear the news?" as a precursor to preaching to you about Jesus (followed by the equally annoying parting, "Have a blessed day!"), you can respond, "About oral sex? Yes, isn't it great!"

Related Links:

Oral Sex Jumps Among the Young (Baltimore Sun)
Oral Sex: A Dangerous New Trend (Landover Baptist Church)
Oral Sex (Wikipedia)
Pocket Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex (book)
Vermin Supreme's Web Site