The New Page Six

Another funny article in the New Yorker, this one by the always funny Steve Martin, obviously inspired by the recent "gossip protection racket" scandal involving New York Post Page Six columnist Jared Paul Stern (pictured left).





THE NEW PAGE SIX
by Steve Martin
New Yorker (Issue of 2006-04-24)

Everybody ♥ DeLay
How great a guy is Tom DeLay? He is a class act who continues to earn the respect of everyone he meets with a double dose of charm and wit. This is one politico who’s simpatico. (Full disclosure: We love our new Armani sweater vests!)

Charlize Angel!
Actually-very-smart sex goddess Charlize Theron (full disclosure: She is loaning us her Miami duplex) has Broadway audiences agog with her performance as Ivana Trump in the new musical “Trump!” Among the opening- night swells, our spies tell us, was The Deadbeat Donald himself (did he get breast implants?), who thinks that gift certificates to Filene’s Basement still hold sway in swagland. Also attending was Alec Baldwin, the BLOVIATOR, or should we say the NEVER-PAY-OLATOR, who, according to insiders, is still heartbroken over his decades-old bust-up with the luscious Kim Basinger, whom we recently vacationed on in Cabo.

Sweet Suite Deal
Just when sources say the world has seen enough of party princess Paris Hilton, there she is again. The hot-bodded celebutante sure looked like a billion bucks the other evening on the deck of gazillionaire Paul Allen’s yacht, as seen from the terrace of the Page Six suite at the St. Petersburg Hilton. (Full disclosure: This column is being typed on generously donated computers using an early version of Microsoft Word.)

Jared’s a Jolie Good Fellow
Tongues are wagging that va-va-voom vixen Angelina Jolie’s new baby looks remarkably like Page Six’s own Jared Paul Stern. Could it be that the lovelier half of Brangelina traded some power canoodling for honorable mentions? (Full disclosure: Yes.)

Hawking Squawking
Nitwit science nerd Stephen Hawking, the NEW BLOVIATOR, who made a major gaffe in his assessment that no particle could escape from a black hole— a blunder that continues to haunt and worry our staff—thinks he can bounce checks all over the press and not get back some negative ions. It’s a good guess that a black hole is where Quanta-goof’s invitation to Cannes wound up this year, and that’s one thing that’s not coming back atcha.

Later, Late Show
David Letterman, the poor man’s Alan Thicke (full disclosure: Dave refused to match our Oscar gift basket), made a snide joke on his show about Page Six appearing not on page 6 but on page 12. Yeah, well, so? The reason that Page Six appears on page 12 is that we are getting a regular envelope under the door from the Committee to Promote the Number Twelve, and it would be too confusing to our readers to change the name of the column to Page Twelve, and, anyway, we are also receiving a tasty monthly contribution from the Society to Promote the Number Six.

Just Asking . . .
What investment-savvy white-haired comedian is looking to toss mucho dinero toward a clothing line designed by a journalist? Rumor has it he thinks that fancy clothes buy him fancy press. Well, what’ll it be, Tut—cuffs or no cuffs?

Related Links:
The Real Page Six (New York Post)
Page Six Magazine (New York Post)
The Billionaire, the Post and $220G Shakedown (NY Daily News)