I knew it was just a matter of time. I joined MySpace to meet new friends and touch base with old ones, and to share our mutual likes, dislikes and pop cultural arcana. Like the Internet itself, though, it was just a matter of time before a great idea for communicating with others became subverted to the new high-tech Powers of Evil: Spam Marketing and Sex Scams.That's why my new "friend" Kelly - pictured above in her "I can't possibly show you my nipples...we just met and I 'barely' know you - lol!" pose) just sent me (and no doubt a few hundred of her other close personal friends) this unsolicited message that appeared in my Bulletin box:
Hey guys, hope everyones doing good. Just wanted to say love u all and thanks for being my friend. Im live on my cam right now. so all of you who wanted to watch me and chat with me, im on cam now. Remember my cam is all free but you need to sign up first to verify age. Hope to see you guys soon
love ya
kelly
www.kellysfreewebcam.com
I don't know much about Kelly or even how she became my friend. But I do know this:
1. Kelly is very attractive. Not outrageously so. But enough that it is safe to assume that Mick Jagger would have sex with her. And about 1,124 of the 1,124 men listed in her Friends box.
2. Like all attractive girls in MySpace who post "revealing" pictures, Kelly fits the cookie cutter sex scam profile: She is 18-21, likes populist mainstream culture, and is a model/actress/stripper/self-styled "celebrity." All it takes to achieve the latter status is a Webcam, apparently. The only twist (and it must be for some purpose, perhaps to prove that she's an All-American Midwesterner), is that she's from Cleveland. Most gals claim they are from Southern California.
3. Like all the other 18- to 21-year-old girls, Kelly has a side service to offer. In her case it's a live Web Cam. It is NOT free. Other 18- to 21-year-old Hotties have Photo Clubs you may join. Many are the provence of their professional photographer boyfriends or employers.
4. Kelly has many sexually suggestive pics in her Pics Profile. They elicit almost exclusively male, totally dim-witted, testosterone-driven and obvious responses ranging from "Damn girl, that azz is phat, I wanna hit dat!" (from a charming lad named mike-wanna-cum whose picture showed him wearing a backward baseball cap while flexing his biceps) to "how u doin sexy jus came by to show u da lovin dat only way i kno how" from a hip-hoppin' text-messagin' e.e. cummings wannabe whose method of showing his "lovin'" was to post a picture of his upwardly mobile reproductive organ clad in a leather thong (how this pic got past Tom the Myspace Gatekeeper is beyond me!)
5. Kelly's pics indicate that she likes to take baths in heels, bra and panties, as shown below:
6. Kelly's pics attract men who all seem to look like Vin Diesel. Frat boys, basically, who think they have more class than their Animal House ilk because they have wear a hip-hop doo-rag or shave their tiny craniums like the action stars they've seen on the big screen at the Cineplex. And these would-be "playas" either work narcisistically building up their biceps and abs to attract the ideal opposite sex partner, or are rockers testing the potential stripper girlfriend market. The latter invariably post a pic ofthemselves playing guitar and looking like they play in Limp Bizkit. Charmers one and all, to be sure. They have obviously studied the art of the modern courtesan - as depicted on, say, The OC - all too well.
7. Kelly opens up a little and sheds her barely clad shyness once you leave her MySpace profile and access her Web site. She also appears to have aged (one mouse click later and she's suddenly 20!). And to look like another completely different girl. Who gets down. Here's her/their Webcam profile:
Comment: Hi guys, Im Kelly im 20 yrs old and Im always horny. I just got my webcam a couple months ago because my friend talked me into it, now im addicted. I am on it all the time getting wild and crazy, even my girlfriends even love coming over and joining me on my cam. Just sign up and watch me for free.
8. While I enjoy looking at Kelly's FREE pics, I would never pay to see her Webcasts or even fantzsize about her because of her ATROCIOUS "About Me" profile. Can anyone be this stupid? Dave Matthews? Country Music? Adam Sandler? See full, distasteful profile details below:
General Interests:
My webcam .. My coach bag .. The color pink and white ... movies, dinner west 6 th donwtown cleveland... Shooters , yes I can get in! hahahha.... i dont know my guess jeans and my coach purse? lol
Music:
Dave mathews... john mayor.....paul van dyk ... oakenfold... d fuse... coldplay.... faith hill... anything country i love country .. save a horse .. ride me.. :)~
Movies cruel intentions.. legally blonde 1 @ 2 .. harry potter ... anything adam sandler and anything where they think blondes are stupid :) he he he ... And I love lifetime movies :)~
Television: Oc Oc OC OC OC OC OC OC OC .. ok and sex in the city ... and well cartoons on Sunday when I actually wake up... watching myself on mywebcam .lol
Not surprisingly, she left the Books column blank. (But that's probably OK to her 1,124 male friends because, as we all know, books are for nerds while "hot girls" are too busy doing shooters and dancing in clubs to bother with stuff like, um, ideas. Except in the bedroom, of course.)
Sorry Kelly. You plugged your Web Cam twice - as many times as you used that irritating "lol" e-mail convention. And you like Adam Sandler. Even if you stepped right out of my Libido and fit my Ideal Fantasy - i.e., showing up at my door wearing nothing more than knee-high go-go boots, a Hello Kitty thong, and a smile, while holding a carry-out order of Thai Green Curry with Chicken, a bottle of single malt Scotch, and a pack of Kimono condoms while pleading "Please let's stay up late and watch tennis results from the Australian Open," I'd STILL have to say no and send you away. Dave Matthews, Country Music, and Adam Sandler?
C'mon. A man's got his pride. Can't go for that, no can do!
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