What Your Car Says About Its Chances of Being Stolen

This just in...Three separate studies reveal the vehicles most stolen in the United States.

CCC's Top 10 Most Stolen Cars in 2004
Source: CCC Information Services, Inc. (CCC)

1. 1999 Acura Integra
2. 2002 BMW M Roadster
3. 1998 Acura Integra
4. 1991 GMC V2500
5. 2002 Audi S4
6. 1996 Acura Integra
7. 1995 Acura Integra
8. 2004 Mercury Marauder
9. 1997 Acura Integra
10. 1992 Mercedes-Benz 600

Wow. earlier this year, my Dad had an Acura Integra lined up for me to buy from one of his connections at the retirement home. Glad I bailed at the last minute! But the sorry news is that my current Pimp Ride is the Lemming-esque Honda Accord, which picked up the Bronze medal on the NICB list below. Who woulda thought someone would want my run-it-into-the-ground clunker?

NICB's Top 10 Stolen Cars in 2003
Source: National Insurance Crime Bureau (NICB) "Hot Wheels" Report.

1. Honda Civic (2000)
2. Toyota Camry (1989)
3. Honda Accord (1991)
4. Chevrolet C/K 1500 (1994)
5. Dodge Caravan (1994)
6. Ford F-150 (1997)
7. Toyota Pickup (1986)
8. Acura Integra (1995)
9. Nissan Sentra (1987)
10. Oldsmobile Cutlass (1986)

HLDI's Most Stolen Vehicles for Model Years 2001-2003
Source: Highway Loss Data Institute (HLDI), which looks at the insurance theft losses reported for one- to three-year-old vehicles.

1. Cadillac Escalade EXT Pickup Truck
2. Nissan Maxima
3. Cadillac Escalade
4. Dodge Stratus/Chrysler Sebring
5. Dodge Intrepid

Most Stolen SUV:
I hate SUVs and have no sympathy for people whose gas-guzzling rollover hazards are victimized. In fact, you know what? Thank you, thieves! Steal more! Make people buy hybrids!

1. The Cadillac Escalade
2. 1998 Land Rover Range Rover
For more information see:
America's Most Stolen Vehicles

Friends In Low Places

I have them.

Nothing is worse than being at your day job, on the desk with your boss, and having a fan of your cable access TV show come in to praise your "porno episode." Except for a subsequent discussion by said fanboy into the proclivity of certain female adult stars for engaging in graphic non-procreative sex acts involving their anus. The thespian in question was Chloe Nicole(born Chloe Hoffman), shown at left, a bass-playing headbanger and former Poison groupie (she seemed to appear on VH-1 everytime they ran a segment on the L.A. glam rockers - for more on her Sunset Strip groupie days, which included doing the entire Warrant band one night, see her interview with Sleazegrinder magazine), and star (according to the Internet Movie DataBase) of some 176 porn films (if anyone's counting). Atomic TV interviewed her several times at the annual East Coast Video Show in Atlantic City, N.J., where she enthused about her work and expertise in that special area that Led Zeppelin once named an album after (In Through the Out Door).

Miss Nicole (sometimes spelled Nichole) was also famous for starring in the first film to be taken to court by the Bush Administration, Seymore Butts' Tampa Tushy Fest(1999).An IMDB user comments:

This is the video which is getting plenty of publicity due to content. It was shot in Florida in 1998 during the week of the annual Tampa Show and features a scene which is causing Seymore Butts plenty of problems: the scene with Chloe and Alysha Klass is a magician's nightmare: it includes the infamous Disappearing Hand Trick.

The disappearing hand trick is also known in the adult trade as "fisting" and it sure got Mr. Butts (real name Adam Glasser - you know, the star of Showtime's Family Business!) in trouble with the Feds, after the they raided his office in December 2000 and confiscated the master and all copies of the tape. The L.A. City Attorney later charged Glasser, his company, and his mother (his was literally a "family business"!) with one count of trafficking in obscene materials each as well as one count each of promoting the distribution of obscene materials. The case was flimsy, and in 2002 Glasser got off with a $1,000 fine after entering a "public nusiance plea" that helped the D.A. save face. If you're happy and you know it, un-ball your hands - and pay the man.

Chloe is definitely a fan of the practice. According to Violet Blue of Tiny Nibbles:

As Chloe said about fisting and the scene in Tushy Fest: "For me, it's almost a spiritual act. And in this particular scene, you can see that Alisha and I are having a very good time." Glasser commented on his motivations for including the controversial scene in the first place, saying: "I didn't do this fisting just to create a stir. I didn't do it because I wanted to create this controversy. I did it because I asked Chloe, 'What gets you off?' She said, 'I like it when somebody fists me.' It was so innocent! So I wanted to shoot it, and that was the reality of it... Something that causes somebody to have eyes-rolled-in-the-back-of-their-head orgasms, that's the kind of stuff that I want to see, and I think the people out there want to see it as well."

Anyway, I can attest to Chloe's enjoyment of the practice, hands down.
In fact, in 1999, the last year Atomic TV interviewed Chloe at ECVS, I recall her chatting with Nina Hartley about it as we were heading out. Nina had just experienced her first "fisting" and was positively gushing about it. In the course of giving Nina some pointers about technique, Chloe actually pulled me aside and commented that I would make a poor fister because I had bony little hands that would hurt a woman's inner sanctum, whereupon she grabbed our A/V tech Bob and effused about how great his chubby little mits would be because they were "meaty."

Then she went on to tell Nina how she threw her boyfriend out of bed the night before because she wanted to "make baby" and he said he was too tired and asked if she could just grab some lotion and apply the motion to his doodad. "That fucker Tom!" she railed, "I kicked his sorry ass out right then." "Hey, that's my name," I blurted unwittingly. She just scowled at me.

Oh it figgers his name was Tom! My hands, my glands, my fans. I can't win!

Addendum:
I forgot to mention that the fanboy who started this thought-provoking discourse asked for my autograph. "You've got to be kidding," I said, but he was earnest, so I scrawled my signature. And he wanted to shake my hand. Perhaps he felt that by shaking the hand of the man who had shaken the hand of the Tampa Tushy Fest fister (say that three times quickly!), he had almost touched his idol Chloe. I wonder if he'll ever wash it? Full Disclosure: I certainly washed mine!

Addendum Deux:
Chloe has played bass in bands throughout her career and has a single "Harder" that appears on the Porn To Rock CD. But she has no doubts about which of her careers has been sleazier, to wit: "Just when you think you've been fucked in every position, check out the music industry." (And Chloe should know, having probably done every position with members of Poison, Motley Crue, Faster Pussycat, Jetboy, and The Zeroes, as well as with every member of Warrant.) Despite her regrettable taste in music - her first record was Tom Warner lookalike Nick Gilder's "Hot Child In the City" and she has said that the Bee Gees' Beatles movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonelyhearts Club Band changed her life - she is a big fan of Baltimore's hard-rockin' metal meisters Kix, so you have to cut her some slack for that, although it's probably because frontman Steve Whiteman reminded her of Brett Michaels (Kix always thought Michaels stole Whiteman's moves and that Poison aped their stage act). And she has moved behind the camera recently to direct a line of films for VCA. She merges her two great influences - sex and rock - in her film Heart Strings, the saga of a band on the verge of success only to be torn asunder by internal conflicts over sexual infidelity. Sounds a little like a VH1 "Behind the Music" look at Fleetwood Mac. I guess Ian Curtis was right: Love will tear you apart. Especially backdoor love.

What Your Car Says About You

This Year's Models
An article in today's New York Times referenced a survey of "favorite chick cars" and "favorite guy cars" conducted by the NPR radio show "Car Talk." The winners are presented below.

FAVE CHICK CARS OF ALL-TIME



1. VW BEETLE
Beetlemania! Chicks still go wild over the Beetles. "The VW Beetle. A chick car, definitely. And made to be so. How? I know of no other automobile with a FLOWER VASE as standard equipment."

2. VW CABRIOLET
"All teen-age girls classify them as cute. 'Nuff said."

3. MAZDA MIATA
"I discovered this phenomenon when I got a Miata. "Girlie car." That's all I heard."

4. VW JETTA
"Anything by Volkswagen is a chick car. VW realized this years ago and joined forces with another company to sell guy cars--they called that company Porsche."

5. DODGE NEON
"Neons are Barbie cars: little and cute and rounded in the hips. Even in black, they are feminine and adorable, only just a bit tougher, like Tattoo Barbie."

FAVE GUY CARS OF ALL-TIME


1. FORD MUSTANG
"A back seat guaranteed to be too small for your mother-in-law."

2. CHEVY CORVETTE
"I believe the main aspect that determines the male/female state of a car is based on the engine-compartment-(hood)-to-cab-length ratio. A car such as a pickup or Corvette has a large hood-to-cab-length ratio."

3. CHEVY CAMERO
"...with twice the horsepower needed. Used to show other guys how manly you really are."

4. FORD F-150 PICKUP
"Any car with numbers or letters for a name, or tacked on the end, can become a guy car. For example, F-150 or Civic-SI."

5. DODGE VIPER
"It might be a guy car if there was a movie or TV show built entirely around it. Other examples include Burt Reynolds' Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit, Nash Bridges' Hemi Cuda convertible, and Jim Rockford's Firebird."

MY GIRLFRIEND AMY'S FAVE CARS

1. MINI COOPER
2. TOYOTA SCION XA
3. MAZDA 3
4. TOYOTA SCION XB
5. SUZUKI AERIO





FAVE GAY & LESBIAN CARS

As voted by "Car Talk" listeners (whose comments are reproduced below).

1. DODGE NEON
"Five of us gay girls went camping with two gay males. The girls all showed up in small pickups, with various large dogs in the backs. The boys showed up in a purple Dodge Neon, with a little lap dog (which, of course, rode up front with them in the air conditioning)."

2. VW CABRIO
"The VW Cabrio should definitely be in the running. The cute, yet spiffy styling screams, "Urban Gay Male," especially with the top down."

3. SUBARU FORRESTER
"It has to be the Subaru Forrester. Way cooler than a minivan. When you are picking up the kids from school the other parents know you mean business. "Hey here comes that gay mom in her Forrester –better let her through. Yesterday someone cut her off so she four-wheeled past the flag pole to pick up her kid," the other moms whisper with envy."

4. VOLVO V70XC
"Gay men want to be politically correct, but have tons of fun. Many of us enjoy the outdoors, but are conscious of the environment. We want to arrive in style (and without having to get grease under our fingernails.) And let's not forget the children--either human or dog. So it's pretty clear to me . . . with AWD, world renowned safety including an inflatable curtain, a flexible roof rack system, heated leather seats, a kickin' sound system, and an outrageously priced yet extremely effective navigational system to find that new boyfriend's house, it is, in short, everything a man could ever want or need. The winner is a 2001 Volvo V70XC a.k.a., the Cross Country."

5. SUBARU OUTBACK
"I believe the vehicle of choice for the queer woman should be a Subaru Outback with a sunroof, accessorized with a thule rack (even if you are a couch potato) and CD player (for the Melissa Etheridge box set, personally I prefer Emmy Lou Harris) . (accessories are important in queer culture). This vehicle is sporty enough for the single girl and practical enough for the domesticated one. The Outback suggests a spirit of domestication and play. The logic: If single, the Outback states you're not opposed to attachment; if partnered, you're not opposed to say . . . children or, at the very least, pets. Absolutely, I would date a woman with an Outback. Unfortunately, I don't own one."

And here's an old chestnut, the "What Your Car Says About You" list.

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU: THE LIST

Acura Integra
I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend
I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX
I am impotent

Audi 90
I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue
I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado
I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville
I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro
I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Chevette
I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette
I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino
I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba
I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z
I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart
I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona
I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Fairmont (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang
I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria
I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Geo Storm
I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker
I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol
I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic
I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord
I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45
I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse
I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6
I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia
I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car
I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis (See above)

Mercedes 500SL
I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 560SEL
I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata
I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB
I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante
I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX
I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass
I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505
Diesel I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon
I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM
I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 944
I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2 (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy
I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu

Toyota Camry
I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle
I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet
I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus
I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon
I am frightened of my wife