The Donald In Love

Bruce McCall and Steve Martin are the two funniest writers contributing to The New Yorker. McCall's vision of the Romantic Period of the young Don "Juan" Rumsfeld (pictured left, with smoldering passion in his eyes) in this week's issue was so hilarious, I had to reprint it here:







RUMMY IN LOVE
by BRUCE McCALL
from The New Yorker (Issue of 2006-05-08)

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss X [EYES ONLY]

In reference to last night’s date following the Freshman Mixer: It is my determination that you have advanced to the fourth quartile of personal value to this writer at the present time. I attach a voucher entitling you to (temporary) custody of one (1) ring, worth $1 million. Caution: Do not have the ring appraised by a jeweller. I happen to be a better judge of its value, which must be kept top secret and withheld from your girlfriends.
From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss X [SECRET]

My files reveal no record of my having made the long-term commitments alleged in your memo just received. You clearly confuse me with some other person with the initials D.R. with whom you showered. Please desist from pursuing this matter and further upsetting my fiancée.

P.S.: Per my previous document, the ring was a loan. Please return.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss X [NOT FOR CIRCULATION]

You force me to observe, anent your hysteria re lost virginity (see pp. 1-36 of the letter left on my doorstep last night), that not once has the slightest interest been evinced or mention made in reference to my lost virginity. Such lopsided reasoning exemplifies what is wrong with our country today.

EMERGENCY NOTICE. Re Operation Frosh Follies: You have been reassigned to babysit my nephew Ricky tonight beginning at 1600 hrs. The corsage should be turned over to Miss Y no later than 1800 hrs.

P.S.: A secretary (since outplaced) inadvertently omitted in my Final Damage Survey of this relationship the paragraph referring to your mother’s inedible cooking. You may obtain a copy by writing to this address and marking the envelope “Cooking, Inedible, Mother’s.”

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Y

In response to your query as to why a certain Miss X has mailed you a parcel containing my underwear, pajamas, toiletries, and prophylactics: You should not need to be reminded at this point that “stuff happens.” This matter is now closed.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Y

Prior commitments have prevented me from reading all of your last eighteen letters, but I advise that the effort expended therein might have been better utilized in working out with weights to reduce the flab in the area of your upper arms.

In re the quoted passages in Letter 12 of the abovementioned series: You are hereby reminded that Rilke was German and Rimbaud French, i.e., Old Europeans, i.e., unreliable. Expunge them from your thoughts A.S.A.P.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Y

In reference to our meeting in the bushes last evening:

(1) The name Rummy is reserved exclusively for individuals on the list. You are not on the list.

(2) My comments on the movie “Pillow Talk” were not opinion but fact. Openly oppositional stances such as yours publicly insult my veracity and jeopardize your current status as a contender for Most Favored Female Companion.

(3) The section in the note submitted to me under my front door this morning at approximately 0500 hrs, titled “My Thoughts on Love,” is sloppily reasoned and contains 43 unacceptable conclusions—none, I am saddened to say, in the prescribed bullet-point format.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Y [DESTROY AFTER READING]

Your notice of resignation as my current primary affection supplier is hereby accepted. Please return all correspondence over my signature A.S.A.P., plus the photos of me in Superman costume. I enclose a bill for expenses incurred in both the initial romantic-mode campaign and the subsequent romance-enhancement mission, now aborted.

As you know, the ring was a loan and should be returned.

P.S.: “Asshole” is one word.

cc: Miss X.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Z

Our joint exercises in my vehicle last night from 0100 to 0645 hrs have been graded Satisfactory. You therefore merit transition to Phase II and the (temporary) rank of Steady Date.

Indicated actions: (a) breath mints, (b) a more powerful deodorant, (c) termination of your verbal contract with “Hal” in time for our next appointment. Call my assistant for time and place.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Z [TOP CONFIDENTIAL]

I am returning your most recent letter, in which you extensively quote from Mr. Walter Whitman. As D.R.’s directory makes explicit, Mr. Whitman, a known homosexual, is not on the list of acceptable poets.

P.S.: Budget revisions necessitate that henceforth you cannot order an appetizer or dessert while dining with D.R. Unspent funds are being diverted to update equipment for the wrestling team.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Z [EYES ONLY]

I can report that as of this day our alliance has escalated to Stage IV, Physical Relationship Secured.

Action taken this day: Same motel room booked, under name of “Mr. and Mrs. Jane Fonda.”

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Z [MOST SECRET]

I am in receipt of yrs of late last night. Net takeaway: In 23 pages (26,000 words), pertinent facts and new information affecting D.R.’s personal qualities are 100% absent.

Item A: “I want to wrap my legs around your body like an octopus” contains no useful guidelines for ongoing conduct.

Item B: “Stud in Aviator Glasses” cannot be transferred to my career résumé without copious footnotes.

Before rewriting your thesis, consult the works of Clausewitz and Marshal Blücher, and “The Art of War.”

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Z

It has been clear to this writer for some time that your interpretation of my position vis-à-vis the odds in favor of a voluntary joint marital operation are sufficiently wide of the mark to disqualify you as a romantic associate. Please return the ring, which was of course a loan.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Z [NOT FOR CIRCULATION]

Follow-up re Missions Outstanding: Please put down my dog and shave your legs.

From: The Dormitory of D.R.

To: Miss Z

Your note to “Two-Timing Bastard” overlooks these crucial elements:
(1) Identical twin sisters are often mistaken for each other—particularly in the dark.

(2) In re your liberal paraphrasing of the remarks in the note wrapped around the rock hurled through your sister’s bedroom window: In D.R.’s family of origin, “I love you” is a form of greeting, not unlike “Hello” and “Take a pew.” He frequently says “I love you” to his own mother.

(3) Because of what I am informed could be interpreted as illegible handwriting, the phrase “new photos” might admittedly be misread as “nude photos.”

(4) The undersigned was in your twin sister’s bedroom shortly after midnight, only to attempt the recovery of his library card. (The “endless night of ecstasy” mentioned in the intercepted note obviously refers to ongoing delighted feelings at the prospect of retrieving same, thus avoiding fines.) Any other interpretation means you have rocks in your head.

(Originally published in The New Yorker, "Shouts & Murmurs," May 5, 2006)

Bruce McCall Links:

All of the Bruce McCall's books listed below are worth picking up. Besides his daft sense of humor, the guy's also an amazing artist, especially when it come to drawing cars - no doubt resulting from his days as a Ford Motor Company illustrator.

All Meat Looks Like South America
The Last Dream-o-Rama
Bruce McCall's Zany Afternoons
Thin Ice: Coming of Age in Canada

Yet Another Side of Bob Dylan

This just in: Bob Dylan is now a DJ on XM Satellite Radio! At least that's what the New York Times said this past Sunday and since I don't have satellite radio, I'll have to go by their word. Apparently, Lee Adams - XM's chief creative programmer - had been after Dylan for the last three years to do a show on XM, America's largest satellite radio service with more than 6.5 million subscribers and 170 digital channels. XM provided the ever-roaming troubadour with a digital recording kit so that he can assemble the program from home, studio or tour bus. Dylan sends his playlist to XM Satellite Radio's researchers, who then assemble the music around his narration. The result is the "Theme Time Radio Hour." And early reviews indicate it's quite the hit. The Times article, which includes the playlist for Dylan's Mother's Day-themed program, is reprinted below.

It's All Right, Ma: Bob Dylan Turns D.J.
By BOB DYLAN
New York Times (April 30, 2006)

WHO knew Bob Dylan was an LL Cool J fan?

Once famously reclusive, Mr. Dylan is now going very public with his eclectic musical tastes, on a show that makes its debut Wednesday on XM Satellite Radio.

Bob Dylan's Mother's Day playlist includes "Mother-in-Law" by Ernie K-Doe and "Mama He Treats Your Daughter Mean" by Ruth Brown.
Once famously reclusive, Mr. Dylan is now going very public with his eclectic musical tastes, on a show that makes its debut Wednesday on XM Satellite Radio.

"Theme Time Radio Hour" (XM Channel 40) features Mr. Dylan introducing his favorite records, organized each week around a different theme — like cars, drinking or, this week's theme, weather. (First tune: "Blow, Wind, Blow," by Muddy Waters.) He typically records from home or on tour, XM says, even though an announcer says the show is recorded in "Studio B of the Abernathy Building," to lend it a vintage aura. The hourly programs are sprinkled with recorded spoken cameos from the likes of Elvis Costello, Sarah Silverman and Penn Jillette.

As D.J., Mr. Dylan vamps on the lyrics of his chosen songs, and makes observations that often amount to something like what he does musically: he taps America's musical heritage with words that veer from the logically linear to the abstract, delivered in his wry, mumbly growl.

To illustrate, here are excerpts from the show to be broadcast next week, devoted to mothers for Mother's Day.

TOMMY DUNCAN
"Daddy Loves Mommyo"

His real name was Thomas Elmer Duncan, born on January 11, 1911, in Whitney, Texas — full of iodine and iron. He won an audition against 66 other singers to join Bob Wills's Light Crust Doughboys, who later became the Texas Playboys. Tommy Duncan left the band in 1948, recorded a number of songs including "Gambling Polka Dot Blues," "Sick, Sober and Sorry" and "There's Not a Cow in Texas" — lot of fuzzy logic there. But in honor of Mother's Day, here's a song. Tommy Duncan, "Daddy Loves Mommyo" — no fatty acid in there.

BUCK OWENS
"I'll Go to Church With Mama"

Buck Owens. Come out of Sherman, Texas. Made his way to Bakersfield, California. In the 1960's, the Beatles recorded a song of Buck's called "Act Naturally." In those years Buck had 39 chart hits, 19 of 'em at No. 1. Hey, let's not forget "Hee Haw." Never missed it. I still remember some of them jokes from "Hee Haw": "My mother-in-law's very neat — puts paper under the cuckoo clock." Here's Buck singing about hymns that warm your heart in the sweet by-and-by, that chapel in the sky.

BOBBY PETERSON QUINTET
"Mama Get the Hammer"

Some songs you don't have to talk about; they just say it all: "Mama get the hammer, there's a fly on baby's head."

RUTH BROWN
"Mama He Treats Your Daughter Mean"

They called Atlantic Records the House That Ruth Built, and they weren't talking about Babe Ruth or garbanzo beans. ... Ruth Brown had more hits on Atlantic Records than anybody else in the beginning, and she was no gang-banger. But even with all those hits, Ruth's star began to fade. She eventually had to take a 9-to-5 job. But in recent years she's been rediscovered, appearing on Broadway in "Black and Blue," where she won a Tony.

CARL SMITH
"Let Old Mother Nature Have Her Way"

Carl was married to June Carter before Johnny Cash was, and after he divorced June he married another singer named Goldie Hill. Carl Smith singing a song about Mother Nature, the goddess of the harvest. She wreaked revenge upon the earth by refusing to provide any crops, so that the entire human race would have perished of cruel, biting hunger if the great Zeus had not been concerned. I hope your mother's not that vengeful.

ERNIE K-DOE
"Mother-in-Law"

Today's e-mail comes from John Rudolph. ... He writes, "Dear Bob: I've got a hammerhead of a mother-in-law, an ugly, evil-lookin' old woman, so pitiful. She's careworn, drawn and pinched — gaunt and lank. I bought her a new chair, but she won't let me plug it in. She belittles me, depreciates me, disparages me. She downgrades me, berates me, censures me and condemns me, libels me and raps me, dismisses me and rejects me. Could you please play a song for her?" Well, thanks for the letter, John. Your wish is our command.

LITTLE JUNIOR PARKER
"Mother-in-Law Blues"

Here's a couple of mother-in-law jokes, couple of slow burners: "I just came back from a pleasure trip. Took my mother-in-law to the airport." "What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law? Reload. Try again." Here's one by Little Junior Parker: "Mother-in-Law Blues." I don't know if you need both Little and Junior. His real name was Herman Parker Jr. I guess I'd call myself Little Junior Parker too. He was a singer and a harmonica player. He got started on Sun Records with his group the Blue Flames. He recorded the original version of "Mystery Train" that Elvis Presley later did.

JIMMY MCCRACKLIN
"Gonna Tell Your Mother"

On the Modern record label. Born in St. Louis, Missouri, in 1921. His real name's James Walker, a professional boxer in the Midwest. He didn't get anywhere doing that, so he turned to music, playing piano and singing. His band was called Jimmy McCracklin and His Blues Blasters, featuring Lafayette Thomas on the guitar. This is from 1955 — a strange weed indeed.

LL COOL J
"Mama Said Knock You Out"

Don't call it a comeback, he been here for years, rocking his peers, putting 'em in fear, making tears rain down like a monsoon, explosions overpowerin', over the competition LL Cool J is towering. LL Cool J — stands for Ladies Love Cool J.

Related Links:

It's All Right, Ma: Bob Dylan Turns D.J. (New York Times article)
Hey Mr. DJ... (David Smith's review of Dylan's first radio show in the Guardian Observer)
Mr. Dylan's Playlists (New York Times)

Gomez-en-Scene

On Sunday, April 30, I attended the "Student Showcase" program at the Johns Hopkins Film Fest, where I was pleasantly surprised to see celebrity alumni John Astin show up to introduce Prelude, a film he made back in 1968. Astin is best known as the patriarchal Gomez Addams on the 1960s TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966). And most people also know that he was married at one time to Patty Duke (during her "Patty Duke Astin" period, 1972-1985) and that their son, Sean Astin (whose biological father was rock promoter Michael Tell - Patty Duke's previous husband), went into acting, starting in 1981 at age 9 when he starred with his Mom in the ABC After School Special Please Don't Hit Me, Mom, continuing with 1985's The Goonies, right up to his plum Sam Gamgee role in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy (it must run in the family - his dad John Astin had appeared in Jackson's The Frighteners).

Less well-known is the fact that the 75-year-old John Astin was born in Baltimore (March 30, 1930) and graduated from Hopkins, where he studied mathematics and theater. And even less well known is that fact that the film he wrote, produced, directed and starred in - Preludes - was nominated for an Oscar in 1969! (It lost to De Duva (The Dove), a rare, out-of-print spoof of Ingmar Bergman films (as well as Madeline Kahn's first film) that you can find on 16mm at the Enoch Pratt Free Library.)

A half-dozen years ago, Astin appeared as Edgar Allan Poe in a remarkable one-man show at Hopkins called Once Upon a Midnight, based on the play by Paul Day Clemens and Ron Magid and directed by Alan Bergmann. Afterwards, he stuck around and did a Q & A with the enthusiastic crowd, and I remember being impressed by how affable, charming and accessible the guy was. Well, he hasn't changed. John Astin showed up on Sunday night to screen his film and apologized for the color print being somewhat faded. Explaining that he made the 30-minute black-and-white film as a commentary on "noise pollution" (still relevant in today's Cell Phone and Boom Box Culture), Astin pointed out that in the supermarket scenes, viewers could take comfort in the fact that prices haven't changed very much.

John Astin's wife in Prelude was redheaded beauty Quinn O'Hara (pictured left), a former Miss Scotland best known for her beach movies (1965's A Swingin' Summer and as Sinistra in 1966's The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini) and her roles in 60s TV series, including a regular role as Smitty on The Lively Ones, a 1962-63 summer replacement series starring Vic Damone. She also filmed three movies with Jerry Lewis (including The Patsy and The Errand Boy) and a few Sci-Fi/Horror films, including opposite Vincent Price in Cry of the Banshee and in front of the camera of Grade Z schlockmeister Larry Buchanan (In the Year 2889). She also appeared in a film with Jay "Dennis the Menace" North, 1974's The Teacher.

Astin's obscure object of supermarket desire in the film was played by Victoria Shaw, another redheaded beauty. Shaw was an Australian-born model who was discovered by Bob Hope while touring Down Under.

Aston's cinematographer for Prelude was noted cameraman Vilmos Zsigmond, who would rise to prominence in the 1970s lensing films like The Long Goodbye and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Zsigmon was a fellow student with Laslo Kovacs in Budapest during the 1956 Hungarian revolution; both cinematographers shot footage of the anti-Soviet uprising, which they sold to CBS after escaping to the West. Zsigmon's most recent film was 2006's The Black Dahlia.

John Astin Links:

IMDB listing
John Astin (Wikipedia)
MSN Bio
Dagon bio
Knowing Poe

Quinn O'Hara Links:

Quinn O'Hara's Website
IMDB listing
Brian's Drive-In Theater
Drive-In Gals by Tom Lisanti
Hollywood Surf and Beach Movies by Tom Lisanti