Random Acts of Kindness

They still exist.

Pump It Up!
Last week I went to Towson University's fitness center to torture my aching bones with a pointless exercise in futility (commonly known as a "workout") and when I returned to my car in the parking garage, someone had slipped a note under the windshield. It read:

Your left front needs abt. 10 lbs. of air...Not good for Beltway, hey? I got an auto-air pump at K-Mart for $14. Wal-Mart has them @ good price tew [sic].
- Ted

Thanks Ted! My tire was low on air, a result of me absent-mindedly driving over those stupid concrete blocks they put in some parking lots to prevent idiots like me from driving over them. God I hate those things!
I put the requisite 10 lbs. of air in them and learned that air is no longer free at gas stations (75 cents at Exxon! - no wonder they have record profits this year).

Cheers Kim!
No wonder Kim Clijsters is the WTA's most popular female tennis player. Check out this offer she made to her fans (from CBS Sportsline.com):

Clijsters to offer Champagne to fans at Diamond Games

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- Kim Clijsters will offer every fan at her Diamond Games home tournament this month a bottle of Champagne to celebrate reaching the No. 1 ranking.

"Kim has taken the initiative to thank her fans," tournament organizer Bob Verbeeck said.

It could be a costly gesture for the Belgian, who won't play at the tournament because of the ankle injury that forced her to pull out of last week's Australian Open semifinals.

The Sports Palace in Antwerp can hold 10,000 fans and each bottle costs about $30 in stores. Her prize money so far this year, $226,475, should just about cover the cost.

She was to have been the main attraction at the Feb 13-19 Diamond Games tournament in Antwerp, which is played less than 100 kilometers (60 miles) from her home. She will be out for at least another seven weeks.

Dick Cheney: The Hunter Gets Captured By the Game

Dead-Eye Dick Bags a Lawyer

Ah Dick Cheney (pictured left in his warm and fuzzy "Feel the Love" guise), the Face of Armageddon, the Halliburton Boss Hog, the modern equivalent of Lionel Barrymore as mean-spirited Mr. Potter in It's a Wonderful Life...in other words, the Embodiment of Evil in America today...is in the news again for his engaging and compassionate conservative ways. By now everyone's heard about his latest gaffe, the accidental shooting of his hunting partner in Texas over the weekend. On the serious side, the most cogent words I've read on this incident involving the poster boy of the National Rifle Association were offered by David Burn of AdPost, who observed that,"When your sport involves loaded guns there is NO ROOM for a mistake of any sort, ever. Period."


And had he hit his intended avian target instead of Harry Whittington, the fun-lovin' sportsman might have inflicted this kind of NRA-worthy damage to the quail:


Is hunting a great sport or what? (It's really too bad Dick didn't do a commentary track for the nature documentary Winged Migration.)

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

On the lighter side (is there a lighter side to Dick Cheney?), the press are already taking, um, pot-shots at the Veep of Darkness, and quite rightly so. Here are some of the best that I've been sent or run across.

1. "Cheney Alert System" from Andy Dolan:

HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT UNVEILS CHENEY ALERT SYSTEM

Color-coded System Would Warn Nation of Future Attacks by Veep

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced today that his department would immediately implement a "Cheney Alert" system to warn Americans if an attack by Vice President Dick Cheney is imminent.

The Department of Homeland Security has been under pressure to respond to the widespread panic and anxiety that have gripped the nation since Mr. Cheney shot and wounded a fellow quail hunter while on a hunting trip in Texas over the weekend.

Across the country, people have holed up in their homes and hoarded food and water, fearing another senseless attack by the gun-toting vice president.

"What we have learned, the hard way, is that Dick Cheney can attack without warning," Mr. Chertoff said. "It is our hope that with this Cheney Alert system we will be able to give the American people some warning before he strikes again."

The alert system, with five color-coded levels indicating the likelihood of another brutal pellet attack by the Vice President, was derided by some in Congress such as Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del), who likened it to "closing the barn door after the horses have escaped."

"The fact is, the White House already had ample warning that Dick Cheney was going to strike, and they sat on their hands and did nothing," Mr. Biden said, referring to a Presidential Daily Brief dated February 4 with the title, "Dick Cheney Determined to Strike in US."

Elsewhere, former Education Secretary William Bennett said that he was "outraged" that an NHL gambling ring has been in operation for five years and he was never invited to participate in it.

2. David Letterman's Top Ten Dick Cheney Shooting Accident Excuses:

10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm"

9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page"

8. "Not enough Jim Beam"

7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu"

6. "I love to shoot people"

5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter"

4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me"

3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?"

2. "Until Democrats approve medicare reform, we have to make some tough
choices for the elderly"

1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"

3. "Now It's Cheney's Turn To Duck" from Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Now it's Cheney's turn to duck
Comedians get off some pretty good shots

By MIKE LEWIS
P-I REPORTER

One errant shot later and he's Duck! Cheney.

Seldom do talk-show hosts, bloggers and comedy writers get such ready cannon fodder to begin the workweek as they did when Vice President Dick Cheney peppered a longtime benefactor with birdshot while hunting quail.

Local radio personalities, always hungry for topics, gorged on the Saturday incident.

"Everybody in broadcasting was expecting this to be the top (story) as soon as we heard it," said KIRO radio's Dave Ross, who hosts an afternoon show.

KTTH's morning talker David Boze agreed. He opened Monday with the accidental shooting in his 5 a.m.-to-9 a.m. slot.

"There was an immediate response," he said. "Most people joked -- things like, 'We didn't know hunters in Texas got a lawyer tag.' "

The blogosphere hummed all day. Versions of "Cheney's Got a Gun" led national and international Web sites. Tweaked Scotland's The Herald: "Cheney Bags a Lawyer."

And just that fast "Dead Eye Dick" became a candidate for the political humor Hall of Fame, joining such stalwarts as Dan Quayle's "potatoe," Bill Clinton's intern encounters, George H.W. Bush's lap vomit and Jimmy Carter's attack rabbit.

Newsweek's Andy Borowitz reported that the federal government had issued a color-coded "Cheney Alert" to warn of future attacks. "What we have learned, the hard way, is that Dick Cheney can attack without warning," a faux Homeland Security boss Michael Chertoff declared.

Leno and Letterman writers were locked and loaded, of course.

David Letterman: "But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."

Jay Leno: "The weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

On Craigslist one satirical posting had Cheney blaming the shooting on "faulty intelligence" and contributors on another forum -- mostly serious -- wondered why it took the White House 22 hours to release the information.

Local blogger David Goldstein, on his www.horsesass.org Web site, wrote that Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean's recent comparison of Cheney to former Vice President Aaron Burr turned out to be prescient. Burr was the last second-in-command to shoot someone while in office.

"Burr, as us history buffs well know, shot and killed fellow founding father Alexander Hamilton on July 11, 1804, in Weehawken, N.J., in the most famous duel in American history."

By Monday evening, Goldstein's posting had 161 responses. The 42-year-old said he knew the shooting would bring traffic, even if it won't have much of a shelf life.

When he heard about the accident, he first checked to see if the victim, Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old lawyer, was OK. When he found out the man was in stable condition, it was, um, open season.

"What about the nature of the hunting trip?" he asked in an interview. "Those hunting lodges where they raise the birds are the avian equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel. You could do this at a zoo. The guy (Cheney) just likes to kill things.

"(Hitting Whittington) was probably more sporting than the shooting of the birds."

Few likely were happier about the news -- and the victim's generally good condition -- than the writers of Comedy Central's mock news program, "The Daily Show." Too busy with the bounty to answer questions, the show's producers instead sent along an advance copy of Monday night's script.

Host Jon Stewart: "For more on the story, let's go out to correspondent Ed Helms, who is live in Corpus Christie, Texas. Ed?"

Helms: "Jon, I'm here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fund-raiser Harry Whittington is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail-hunting expedition. ... I'll be here all day with continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face after he mistook him for a small bird."

Even politicians took aim, including the head of Cheney's home state. Offered Wyoming Gov. Dave Freudenthal: "I would be proud to hunt with the vice president -- cautious, but proud."

4. Freedom of Choice: But Do I Have To Choose?

The Last Temptation of Tom Warner

In Sunday's New York Times, there was an article on some maverick advertising maven that quoted Apple's famous 1997 "Think Different" ad campaign - you know, the one with pix of Einstein, Picasso, Bob Dylan (there's even a recent campaign that puts The Thong and Kissing Lesbians alongside these greats!):

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes - the ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them. About the only thing that you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things.

Think Diffident
This quote, a credo for Free Thinkers, explains perfectly why I have never succeeded in the business world. In fact, it's probably the anti-Mission Statement for my current municipal job where Status Quo is the Golden Calf that all prostrate themselves before, where blind obeisance to The Chain of Command is the altar on which all free thought and innovation is sacrificed. Think Diffident is the cattle call of these lemmings.

We Can Be Heroes
I admire people who live up to this Apple Credo of Intellectual Emancipation. I never had the courage of my convictions to be like these people. If I had, I would have ditched my day jobs and pursued writing, filmmaking, or broadcasting full time. Instead, I compromised, like my friend Lumpy. We took secure 9-5 jobs in fields that didn't excite us, getting our kicks doing what we wanted - making music, producing videos - as spare-time hobbies.

But I have known some intrepid souls who went for the gold, pursuing their interests at great risk to their financial stability and livelihood. Like Skizz Cyzyk (pictured left), who never compromised himself in the pursuit of making music and films, never taking a job that would intefere with his twin passions. And Martha Colburn, a latter-day saint of indie filmmaking willing to live like a squatter while pursuing her muse. And Scott Huffines (pictured right), founder of the original Atomic Books, who ditched a secure, well-paying gig with the State because he was bored out of his mind with the daily drudgery of it all and wanted to immerse himself in the the world of zines, alternative books and the fledgling World Wide Web. (These days Scott is inspired by performance artist Cornmo, who he calls the new Tyler Durden (of Fight Club fame). See Cornmo rant about "quiting your crappy job and following your dreams and sticking it to the man," then break into "We Are The Champions" by Queen: Cornmo Rant.)

Follow That Dream!

Anyway, last night I had a dream that seemed directly linked to the Apple Credo. In it, I had the chance to leave my secure, grounded world and take a chance to be a gypsy, a wanderer. The people in the dream were a bunch of hippies and bohemians I knew back in college - the last period in one's life when you're totally free, away from parental control and the discipline of headmasters, free to find out who you are and what you want to study and do with your life, free to goof off before you have to go to work (or put off work by going to Grad School!) - in the 70s, when Hippies still roamed the Earth in their pre-Phish form.

I remember my friend Jazz was in it, and some of his hippie girlfriends (how fondly I remember going skinny dipping with them when we broke into my high school swimming pool!). They were hanging out with my in my house, where I was chained to my possessions. Everyone loved all my books, and magazines, and kitsch items. We watched movies, listened to music, etc.

Freedom's Just Another Name for Nothing Left to Lose (Or Leave Behind!)
But every time they were ready to hit the road and live like gypsies with no possessions, I balked. I couldn't figure what to take with me. There was always something I was afraid to leave behind. And clothes. How could I commit, like them, to only wearing one set of clothes and living in it, forever. I couldn't do it. I had to pick out several pants, shirts, vests, jackets - summer and winter wardrobes -I was carrying a Creature Comforts Chimera on my back and I couldn't shake it! Even the lure of sex, the two hippie girls, wasn't enough. A fastidious believer in personal grooming, I was afraid that I'd have to lug along my toiletry kit and blow-dryer for the Pachouli-scented hippie girls to find me attractive.

No wonder I never get drunk and avoid drugs. I'm a control freak who can't let go and take a risk. This was the last temptation of Tom Warner to free myself from conformity and the Rat Race and follow the Pied Piper of Footloose and Fancy Free Abandon. And I couldn't do it.

And I didn't have sex with the two hippies chicks either. This constitutes a bad dream. All tease, no appease.

...the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.